That’s Stella

You should know that I am no Angelina Jolie. Nor do I at the slightest bit resemble Scarlett Johansen. I’ve been trying to find some sort of answer as to why this week has been a little crazy, so when Tiff mentioned the full moon, it kinda hit me that the lunar activities in the past week could be the answer.

I mean first there was my encounter with Hot Rocker early in the week. My boy friends who were there that night and saw our departing have convinced me that he is into me and they are hardly one to encourage embellishment and reading into things. But Hot Rocker didn’t ask for my number and I heard from the grapevine that he has just started to date this chick that is his equivalent – tattoos and piercings. And you know what? I just can’t compete with that. When I was 14, maybe I could’ve taken her on, but these days I like my skin in tact and with my fickleness, attempting to choose a permanent marking that I would be happy with for the rest of my life is setting myself up for disaster and an appointment with a laser technician.

Now comes the latest instalment…

You know when it comes to friendship groups or the work office or parties and so on, there’s always that one guy that stands out. He is the perfect one the girls pine over. There’s a general consensus (by both women and men) that he’s the most handsome and the nicest and the most charming and seems to have it all – including a girlfriend. The Drummer is one of those guys. I remember when I first saw him, all I remember thinking was “Whooaaaa”. He’s the boy next door who’s a great conversationalist and oh so creative. He’s hard to get to know, not because he’s an asshole, but it’s usually because one is so taken away with him it’s hard not to stutter and mumble away. It seemed like one giant feat when I did get to know him. And since getting to know him, I’ve always claimed he would be the man of my dreams – the exact type of guy I would want to spend the rest of my life with. But I kept myself detached from him knowing he was married and had a baby. I met his wife a couple of times and loved that she was the girl next door who wasn’t hot nor cute, but she had the most amazing bubbly personality.

Anyway… to cut to the chase… I don’t know how it happened. It wasn’t planned and it was completely spontaneous, but a group of us all ended up getting completely wasted. Since his wife gave birth he usually skips on any drunken activities or any sort of socialising outside of norm hours and goes home and I LOVED this about him. But we were all drinking from the afternoon and the boys convinced him to make a big night out of it since we were already heading in that direction.

It all started innocently. We held hands to demonstrate the ‘friendship hand holding’ compared to the ‘lovers hand holding’ (ie. The intertwining of fingers), but we just never let go.

We went to the Brisbane and in front of everyone he came up around me and made me sit in front of him in between his legs and started giving me a massage. It felt sooo good. Every time I closed my eyes and drifted off, I had to remind myself I was in public. Everyone was giving massages to each other so I didn’t think it was inappropriate. Plus in my mind, he was THE UNATTAINABLE, so I never thought it would lead anywhere.

But…

I started to feel ‘him’ if you know what I mean, and drunkenly thought the best solution was to swap positions so he was sitting in front of me between my legs and I gave him a head massage. During our moment, one of the girls commented that he looked like he was going to explode and I freaked out and stopped.

Then he kissed me.

I was so head fucked and it took me by surprise that I didn’t get to enjoy it. He kissed me a couple of times but I stopped reciprocating and said I wanted to talk instead.

But…

Conversation led to sex and he suggested we disappear for awhile. OH MY GOD! I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. The Drummer wanted to sleep with ME?

Eye gazing and leg rubbing and whispered suggestions lasted too long before someone interrupted. I left him and urgently rang Miss. 23 who I knew I could count on for some moral rationing and convincing that sleeping with The Drummer would be a BAD thing. She did a pretty good job of making me think about how his wife would feel or his little baby if she grew up without a dad. Miss 23 said she would ring every 20 minutes to make sure I hadn’t succumbed. It’s kinda funny that I never thought how awkward it would be the next day having to face him if we had sex, but when you’re drunk and everyone is horny, rational is never on the agenda.

Miss. 23 did end up ringing every 20-30 minutes, but after one call, The Drummer and I landed in a taxi together to go to another bar to meet the others. I could’ve gone in another taxi with some of the girls, but to be honest I wanted to see what would happen. I was pretty convinced nothing would happen (yet I know all I needed to say to Drummer was – let’s get a room), but I was playing with fire. So there we were in the taxi and it started with his hand on my knee and he was whispering dirty talk in my ear. And I was SO turned on. He started feeling me up and he kept asking “is this ok?” but I didn’t know how to say stop. Partly because I didn’t want him to, but when his second hand started making its way up my thigh, I remembered that since Racer has left Perth, I’ve gone back to shaving my legs from the knees down when I’m in a rush (ie. Any weekday) and was paranoid he could feel my hairy legs. Admittedly when I got home, I ran my hand up my leg and realised that had I let him gone on, he wouldn’t have felt a hair in sight.

I’d like to say I stood on my moral pedestal and demanded he stop straight away, but only combined with my pangs of guilt about his wife and child and paranoia about the state of my legs and the fact that I really wasn’t able to enjoy of it, I grabbed his hand and shook my head. He was crushed and apologetic.

He didn’t make any more moves on me the rest of the night which kinda blew seeing as everyone else was still crazy horny and touchy feely with each other and I really didn’t want to be like that with anyone else except for him.

I really wanted him, but knew it was wrong. There were times that I just wanted to go up to him and whisper “Let’s talk a walk”. The more I thought about it, the more stressed out I got. I ended up leaving solo and one of my girl friends rang whilst I was in the taxi on the way home and told me that the Drummer left straight after I did which was a relief that if I wasn’t getting any, he wasn’t either and would be going home to his wife.

I do remember looking out the taxi window and seeing the full moon and felt disappointed that the man of my dreams, was really very far from it.