That’s Stella

Despite the expensive retail therapy and over indulgence last weekend to get over seeing Chris canoodling with another girl, I was still DOWN. Oh my! Who would’ve guessed.

Anyway… my girl friends suggested I just be straight and tell him that I like him.

I always thought that it was obvious. The fact that I always reciprocated his kiss was a way of saying “Hey I think you’re Mr. Hottie Hotpants and I wouldn’t mind if you tried to get into mine”.

But the girls reminded me that he is a creative and this means (in our stereotypical view) that creatives need direction and are often a little clueless and need a suit to guide their way. And it’s true. I mean, without suits, creatives would be surfing YouTube all day long.

So I emailed him. I asked him if he wanted to meet up for drinks sometime this week.

And I waited for his response.

Despite his advances in the past, I still expected him to reply with a “Oh sorry I’m busy” or completely ignore my request. My confidence in our little romantic liaison dipped since I last saw him.

But within minutes he replied with a day and time and venue, as well as some minor chit chat about how he can’t remember a thing from the ad ball.

I was ecstatic! I wished I had done it before I spent all my money on the weekend and loaded up on the Lindt…

I met him at our usual bar after work. I was 10 minutes late because I thought I was going to be sick! There were a few close calls, but by the time I actually got out of the bathroom at work, I was stuck in traffic and felt oh so bad.

I walked in the bar and there he was… and I can’t describe the feeling of seeing him. But it felt like I hadn’t seen him for a lifetime. Things were a little awkward at first. The more we chatted, the more I felt like I didn’t really know him as much as I wanted to before spilling the beans. Yeah sure it was also an excuse for not telling him how I felt, but this was the first time we’d be out alone and I wanted to see how things would go.

We talked about marriage and sex and life partners and at one point it did feel like we were interviewing each other as potentials, but I gained SO much insight into why he hasn’t been making bold moves. He doesn’t want anything long term. Ever. He doesn’t believe it’s realistic! OMG. In my head I could feel alarm bells going off. Not that I’m expecting to find a husband in the near future, but everything he was saying said SO much about what could happen. And particularly… all the ways he could break my heart! argH!

After the ’serious’ talk we gave crap to each other and it felt a lot more casual like it has in the past when we had friends around. I made him laugh and OMG HIS LAUGH is the most amazing sound ever. He laughs with his whole body and his eyes squint and he is oh so gorgeous.

At the end of the night he went in for the kiss. It was like we were on slow motion. He moved in… leant down (he’s well over 6ft and I’m a mere 5ft3.)… and tilted his head and closed his eyes… HAHAHAH… it was so great. I kept my eyes open so I could get a look of him up close and personal but when our lips locked (how corny!) I thought I’d better close my eyes in case he caught me staring.

I’m seeing him again tonight and in my dreams I’ll ask him to take me home with him.

In reality, I know I’ll end up waking up in my friends bed head to toe, unsatisfied.

Ha.

On Friday night was the big annual advertising ball. There were over 800 people and tickets were pricey at $175. Everything was v. extravagant and everyone was frocked up and gorgeous.

I went with three of the creative boys who I knew would give me an ego boost before stepping onto the red carpet. Seriously, nights like these always makes me reconsider my fear of spewing just so I could fit into a size 6 dress and look as amazing as the other girls.

Anyway… I was set for failure because I had high expectations…

I schmoozed and networked and caught up with old friends, but all I could think about was catching up with Hot Rocker and seeing Chris.

Within an hour of arriving I bumped into Chris. I was with my best girl friend on the way to the ladies when we saw him. He was talking to some big wig creative director and stopped his conversation. I felt like my heart jumped when I saw him. In my dream world –I wanted him to comment on how amazing I looked and then he’d hold my face in his hands and go in for the romantic kiss. In reality – he stopped his conversation with big wig, called out my name and reached out his hand for mine. He held my hand but people kept walking between us and we had to keep letting go. But he kept his hand out there waiting for me to grab on, and when I finally did, he pulled me in and we kissed. But it was so fleeting. We didn’t even chat. I told my girl friend how unsatisfying the encounter was but she shook me and said “Are you kidding? He didn’t even notice me! He didn’t say hello or even acknowledge my presence! As far as he’s aware, you were the only person in that room!” Now you have to understand that not only is my girl friend friends with Chris, but she is this gorgeous 6’3 skinny stunning ex model turned creative. When we walk down Rokeby Road, men turn their heads to get a glimpse of her and wolf whistle. And she was right. He didn’t acknowledge her in the slightest.

Anyway all this doesn’t matter because in the end, I didn’t end up with Chris. We spoke briefly at the after party but he never looked out for me. He was always so busy talking to everyone else. I was warned by his mates to ignore him because he was going to go on a bender. But I couldn’t help but hope he’d come looking for me. In my dreams – I wanted him to ask me to go home with him early on in the night because I was all that mattered. In reality – I stayed at the after party till 4 drinking with his friends. When I saw him canoodling with another girl at the bar my heart broke.

I was shattered. I was on the verge of tears and excused myself from my friends but they could sense something was up and tried to get me to stay. These friends – who also happen to be his colleagues - have no idea how much I’m into Chris. Anyway I switched positions so I wasn’t facing the bar and drowned myself in vodka. We were all boozy and out of the blue, one of the art directors says to me “Chris is single! You should hook up with Chris!” And he yells over to Chris at the bar “Hey Chris! Come over!”. Chris comes walking up to our possie and my art director friend asks “Hey Chris, have you met Stella?”. I’m fucked up and pissed off and mouth to him “Fuck you”. But he doesn’t see (thank goodness). I ignored him the rest of the night and watched him get into a taxi with the big wig from earlier in the night and some other boys without saying goodbye and no goodbye kiss. The next thing I remember it’s 11am in the morning and I have a massive hang over and still – a very broken heart.

Expectations with Hot Rocker on the other hand were met. In my dreams – we’d at least have a peck on the cheek. In reality – he put his arms around me and we kissed twice. But la dee da… I would’ve given up my two kisses with Hot Rocker for Chris’ undivided attention.

So this weekend… I’ve been nursing a sore head and heart by surrounding myself with friends and good food, alcohol and appropriate music.

After waking up on Saturday morning, the gang and I went to this new organic café in Northbridge, still in our ball outfits and donning dark sunglasses we ate bacon and rocket ciabattas and sipped on fair trade coffees and teas.

I went home for a shower and nap then headed out to the Belgium Beer Café with my girlfriends all dolled up and drank pints of Hoegaarden to try and get Chris out of my mind. On the way home I listened to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and wished I was Karen O. When I got back home, I went in search for my fender strat and cursed myself for not restringing my guitar earlier. I was drunk and inspired and drunkenly believed I could’ve penned a few heart felt angsty rock and roll tracks that could’ve made history.

Come Sunday morning, I had another huge headache but decided I wasn’t feeling better and needed some retail therapy. So I went shopping with a friend and bought a $376 Gorman dress – with ulterior motive. Next weekend I might be seeing Chris at a party and well… admittedly, I’m hoping that my sexy $376 dress will buy his attention. How sad! After picking up my new dress we ate (way too much) sushi. I finished off my retail therapy in JB Hi Fi and bought the new Arcade Fire album and PJ Harvey Stories from the City, Stories from the Sea and hoped the rock goddess could teach me a thing or two about heart break.

And tonight? Dinner consists of Lindt chocolate balls and apple cider… Mmmm!

Drowning myself in calories, music and beautiful clothes.

When I got back from my lunch break, sitting on my desk was an annonymous arrangement of these…

They’re my FAVOURITE!! I loved them even more after watching Adaptation - one of my all time fave films. The arrangement is so big it takes up half my desk space. I was slightly embarassed by how extravagant it was.

Nothing more than a card with my name on it.

I’d like to think it was from him, but that would be a blind guess.

How v. mysterious!

I always consider myself a bit of a hard ass. When people cross my path I usually feel sorry for them because I am SO evil and think of ridiculously clever plans to get back at them. On my good days, I have a conscience and step aside to let karma work its magic.

Anyway this morning, my hard ass image was tarnished when a client had a go at me. The short story is he fucked up big time in front of his CEO on Friday, and gave me a call late Friday arvo to blame me for apparantly looking like an idiot, when in fact I had nothing to do with his downfall.

Now, since entering the ‘real world’ of full time employment, I made a deal with myself that I would accept all responsibility that was given to me. But I did not sign up for taking the fall for someone else because frankly, I don’t get paid enough to put up with that bullshit.

Anyway so he tells me to have a think over the weekend about how I can fix his fuck up. I rang him first thing this morning to let him know that I did what was asked of me (in, unfortunately, a really sucky up to client back route) and he went off at me! I’m really proud to have maintained this professional manner over the phone but as soon as I got off the phone, my best girl friend at work (who luckily sits next to me) said she could feel my pain and asked if I was OKAY and thats when I just BURST into tears and ran into the toilets. She ran in after me, but of course it was peak hour in the loos and all the girls were being all sympathetic and it made it worse!

I was trying to be so strong but I just needed to BURST and have my outbreak of naughty words and stream of tears.

After I emerged from the loos I was looking like shit and of course everyone asked

“ARE YOU OK??”

I mean, HELLO PEOPLE! The worst question ever! I think I burst into tears 5 times after that from all the questions.

Anyway I realised a few things…

I’m not as much of a hard ass as I think I am.

I. Me. That is client service folk are the easiest people to blame. I had a few old timers sit me down to break it to me that I should expect it in the industry.

I really really really appreciate my GIRL friends. I don’t know why, but I’ve always had more boy friends than girl friends. I just find with guys that there’s not as much bullshit and less backstabbing and they’re more up front. But this morning I was so glad to have my best girl friend at work around for a hug.

It’s funny with guys… when a girl cries they act like a bomb has gone off and stay clear of the area till it’s safe to return.

One of the guys at work (who is so perverted and yucky and always tucks in his shirt) lunged at me for a hug and squeezed my boobs up against his chest so tight I was close to karate chopping him. Grouse.

I lent my house to the art directors at work to use in a commercial and now it’ll be seen on TV nationally for this big advertising campaign! Trippy!

On the boy front - I was speaking to Chris’ mates and they said when they mentioned my name, he had a “twinkle in his eye”. I naturally dismissed this and thought they were just teasing, but when I couldn’t stop smirking they accused me of having a crush on him which is of course true, but a little too premature to be let out publicly considering I don’t even know why I like him. I wanted to keep this under rap till I could figure out how I would play my cards.

Anyway I haven’t heard from him. We randomly text each other but he hasn’t asked me out.

WHY?!

I have played it really cool. I haven’t initiated anything. What is he thinking!

It’s only been 4 days since Becks closed down and I already feel like my social life has hit a bump in the road.

When I’m feeling down at work, I day dream. I start to miss things that I’ve never experienced before.

The new Arcade Fire album is out. I’ve been waiting for this little beauty and now that it’s out… I can’t even bare to drag my sorry ass to JB Hi Fi.

When the weather cools down, I’m going to ask someone to drop me off in the city and I’m going to walk home. I’d say a good 20kms.

Yeah.

I spent my weekend at Becks Verandah. Every. Single. Night. And it was spectacular indeed! Friday night I checked out Camera Obscura - this cute poppy Scottish outfit that remind me of Belle & Sebastien. I’d been looking forward to Camera Obscura for months! I ended up separating from my date during CB though because he wanted to sit in the grand stand and I wanted to be on the dance floor free to have a boogie if I so wished. I did feel really bad… but I thought he should’ve been a gentlemen and accompany me on the dance floor. CB were fab and Institut Polaire were quite impressive!

On Saturday night my friends and I checked out The Bellrays. It was quite a drunken affair and I was SO stoked we managed to snare a sofa considering it was packed. We met so many randoms and ended up in deep and meaningfuls about different music philosophies. Early in the morning these two older guys moved in on our scene, and usually I welcome any strangers but when one of them sat next to me and my girl friend on the sofa and asked me to sit on his knee, I decided it was time to go home.

And Sunday… oh I dreaded Sunday because it meant the end to Becks Verandah! booo hooo hoo!!! waahh! My girl friend and I were on a double date but we arrived an hour earlier than our dates and by the time they arrived, there was a really long line of people hungry to get in to the closing party. We tried to pull a few sneakys to get the boys in (spitting on arm to try and transfer entry stamp from arm to arm, finding secret entries, making up stories, etc…) but all without luck. We did end up having a drink with them, but I wasn’t too fussed about our dates because:
1. I had a lot of friends at Becks I wanted to catch up with
2. My friend asked them what music they liked and they both answered
“Anything in the Top 40. Radio stuff”
Um… Boys who like their music spoon fed? Turn off!
3. And finally… I can’t stop thinking about Chris!

Did I mention that Chris is a whole SIXTEEN years my senior? My friends are a little skeptical about the potential romance and I don’t blame them. I don’t even know why I like him…

ANYWAY the closing party was amazing. A fantastic crowd. A GREAT band - think circus/Willy Wonka/psychedelic pop and crazy sounds! It felt like every awesome person in Perth was there decked out in their funky dresses and rock star boys in brown leather jackets and black skinny jeans. I don’t know where I’m going to hang out now that Beck’s is closing!

Sayonara till next year Becks Verandah!