That’s Stella

It is nearly October. When I bought my tickets over a month ago, October seemed so far away, but the month has flown by. I’m trying not to count down the days till I leave, but I am so excited about returning to New York. In my mind, when December comes around, I know that it will mean serious business. I need to start thinking about really getting my act together because the Christmas holidays just fly by.
I’ve started telling my friends in New York that I’m moving back and the response has been a great relief -
“We’ll be at JFK with a big sign and open arms waiting for you”.
I feel like I haven’t seen them for so long that I could’ve been making these characters up.
I miss Ari and how he looked after me like a big brother even though we were from completely different backgrounds. He is a bored and frustrated, smart Harvard educated, weedy Jewish man who completely looked out for me. He introduced me to his family and I clicked with his sister, who felt like a mirror image of me.
This morning I rang The Man from New York. I haven’t spoken to him for a little while and when I got his voice mail, it was a bit of a shock to hear his voice that I hung up. I rang again… listened to his voicemail and forgot to leave a message. The third time I rang, I was determined to leave a message along the lines of “It’s me. I miss you. I’m coming back. I can’t wait to see you”. Something sweet. But when I listened to his voice for the third time, I realised I wanted to hear his voice and expression when I would tell him I’d be seeing him again.
I’m not kidding myself. I know when I return things will be different. I won’t be seeing Ari every day. My mirror image is no longer my mirror image and has another half. I won’t be seeing The Man every day. Hell, he is now living in LA that I have a space of a week to really see him when I stop over, so no more romantic drives around Manhattan or walks along the river and rekindling anything we once had.
Things will be different. But I’m excited about the new characters that will play apart in my New York life.

I got so drunk last night I had to come into work today hung over and sick and cranky. The sun made me squint. Every noise in the office made me cringe with pain. I wanted to roll up in the foetal position and close myself off from the world.
But it was all worth it!!! I had a blast and a half last night at this magazine party. It was like having a Saturday night, on a Wednesday night.

I made out with a crush I fancied last year.

I made out with him last week too but didn’t think it was such a big deal because having a conversation with him was painful. I tried. We tried. But in the end I was just content standing next to him in silence watching girls checking him out and being envious of my friends around me who were having animated conversations with his friends and dreaming about being able to have a conversation with a man about how much of a genius Charlie Kaufman is and creating evil plans to take over the world.
We made out when I went to say goodbye. He went in for it, and I must admit he was quite speedy I didn’t even have that much time to have a social conscience commentary play out in my mind. All I remember thinking was “There’s nothing there. But.. he’s really hot. oh well. no ones perfect”.

He was the first one I saw when I arrived at the party last night. I thought it must be fate for me to make out with this hot rock star and why should I fight it? What can I say?

I love fate.

I was at a party last weekend. The balcony of this house had breathtaking views of the night city skyline. It started to rain and everyone rushed inside, but I was getting hot and went against the tide towards the balcony for some fresh air. There was a familiar cute boy on the balcony, and we started dancing in the rain. He kept kissing my neck, but I wished it was someone I actually fancied so I could enjoy the experience as much as cute boy thought I was. When it stopped raining I said goodbye and left with my friends because cute these days just doesn’t cut it.

Of course the one I’ve recently developed a bit of a thing for is nothing but a movie star crush - ie. completely unattainable and safe. I know he’s out of my reach so there’s no expectations of something greater.

I met my movie star crush a month or so ago. I didn’t think anything of him at first because he is SO much older the me. It’s even worse then the 16 year age gap between me and my last rendezvous.

I know what you’re thinking and all I can say is I swear I don’t have a thing for older men!
Why would I?

I can’t wait to see him. He’s witty and intelligent and assertive. Slightly aloof. He’s tall and suave and sexy. He wears dark wash jeans with cool t-shirts and tailored blazers. Striking blue eyes. The best laugh ever.

But as I said… he’s a movie star crush.

Because I’m pretty sure he’s at least 20 years my senior, MARRIED… with KIDS.

Wrong wrong and wrong!

Before I found out he was married, I saw Somethings Gotta Give on TV. After the movie, I pretty much convinced myself that if something were to happen between us, that I wouldn’t fight it! Ha! Who am I kidding. I am so attracted to him that I wouldn’t fight it even if it meant having my friends question my sanity. I’m sure they have been for years anyway.