That’s Stella

I spent my Saturday In The Pines – a yearly local music festival held under the shady pines at UWA. There was an eclectic crowd parading their fashions. Girls in their 60’s shift dresses and tights. Boys in their skinny leg jeans and ray bans and flannel and cow boy shirts. Pwoar! I was so inspired by the scene and personalities and get ups that it took me some restraint to not get out my sketchbook from my bag. I wanted to hide in a dark corner where I couldn’t be judged and draw! I would’ve taken happy snaps if I had mastered the art of taking photos without people noticing. My friends kept plying me with beer that I soon forgot about all that anyway. It was getting a little ridiculous. Before I even finished one, I had another cold one in my other hand waiting to be consumed. My bestie was witness to the constant boozing. If I hadn’t ‘accidentally’ misplaced my half consumed beers I would’ve been well and truly trashed. I was a little paranoid about keeping sober in case I bumped into Hot Rocker. I didn’t want to do anything stupid and keeping sober was the only guarantee I wouldn’t do anything drastic.

My boy friends have been so keen for me to get over Chris that they’ve been trying to set me up with their friends. I mentioned that I thought a guy from one of the bands playing was a bit of a hottie and the next thing I know, as soon as the guitarist went off stage, I see my boys having a beer with him! They called me over but I was so embarrassed I ran away looking for one of my girl friends.

Even since that night when Chris busted any notion that we’d get together, I can’t stop seeing him. I want to see him all the time. I want to spend every night with him. My whole weekend. Every time I see him I pray he mentions something from that night. Something along the lines of “Wow I was smashed at that party. What I meant to say was how much I think you’re the bees knees and I want you!” But it’s like that night never happened. Not a lot has changed, except he has put an end to kissing. He was always the initiator but my confidence is so bruised that I wouldn’t dare make a move. I miss that excitement before he leant in for a kiss. Booo….

I don’t know why I can’t stop seeing him. I suppose there are a couple desirable outcomes. Firstly, by spending so much time with him, I get to know him more and realise how much of an asshole he really is and get over him. Or secondly, the more desirable outcome, we spend so much time together and he realises just how compatible we are and age really doesn’t make a difference.

I picked him up from work a few days ago and on the drive to his agency I kept thinking about what we would’ve been like as a couple. Whether we would’ve ended up living together? Who would’ve been the cook? Who would’ve been the cleaner? We work down the road from each other – would we go in the same car? Would he drop me off at work and pick me up? Or would he force me to drive myself to work because I’m constantly late?

I have gone insane and all this really doesn’t matter. But a girl can dream.

Two days after our date, we met again at our friends party…

It was a massive party. There were people from all walks of life there. There were celebrities, rock stars and joe blows. But as far as I was concerned, it was just me, Chris and the boys.

Our mutual friend told Chris I had a crush on him. He said “I know” and smiled.

Someone interrupted their conversation and our friend couldn’t read if his smile meant there was a future.

I got really drunk and sneakily tore him away from the boys club for a private chat.

I said to him…

“I know you think I like you. But I just wanted to let you know that I think you’re a complete wanker”.

He was silent and had a straight face.

Not the reaction I was looking for.

Then he laughed. There it is! Just the reaction I was looking for.

We talked about US.

I told him I liked him.

Then came the bombshell.

He said… “You need to get over me”

I felt like I made the wrong decision having the truth talk.

I laid my cards on the table and I never would have told him how much I liked him unless I thought it was reciprocal.

In fact – this was the first time I laid my cards on the table since I was 14 and snared my first boyfriend.

He didn’t say nothing would happen – hell, it’s already started – but he kept saying I needed to get over him. To forget him. For us to go back to just being friends.

I clung to his arm, holding him tight, waiting for him to tell me he was joking,. Or to tell me that something would happen but he just needed time. Or that he was gay. Anything to make me feel better about the situation.

I felt pathetic. I couldn’t believe how quickly dynamics had changed and I was clutching the arm of someone who had always been the initiator.

I wasn’t willing to let go off his arm till I heard a satisfactory answer.

I asked him why he was doing this. Why he was going back on something that had already started.

He said that 90% was the age difference. That our 16 years age difference was “really wrong”. He just kept repeating… “really wrong”.

Really wrong. Really wrong. Really really wrong.

I told him that I could offer myself to any other 38 year old and they would jump at the chance to be with a 23 year old and that he was insane.

Yeah call me cocky.

I told him that he was a ‘complete dickhead’. He agreed and laughed. It wasn’t meant to be mean. It’s the truth.

I said he was a ‘cocky wanker’.

An ‘obnoxious creative’.

I said he wasn’t even my type.

That I had gone insane by liking him and that for the past week I had been sticking up for him whenever anyone was bagging him because he made an obnoxious comment in front of 800 people and got a lot of flak for it.

The rest of the 10% was the bombshell. He was sleeping with a married woman.

I tried to convince him that I could do a casual thing.

He said he knew I couldn’t.

And he was right.

We talked and talked. Saying the same things over and over. I hoped that the more we kept talking the more he’d realise what a mistake he was making.

I wanted us to sit down with a coffee in hand and have a deep and meaningful but we were at a loud party and I was drunk and he was drunk and all the boys were looking at us knowing exactly what we were talking about.

It sunk in and my heart broke when I let go of his arm and he walked away.

On Friday night was the big annual advertising ball. There were over 800 people and tickets were pricey at $175. Everything was v. extravagant and everyone was frocked up and gorgeous.

I went with three of the creative boys who I knew would give me an ego boost before stepping onto the red carpet. Seriously, nights like these always makes me reconsider my fear of spewing just so I could fit into a size 6 dress and look as amazing as the other girls.

Anyway… I was set for failure because I had high expectations…

I schmoozed and networked and caught up with old friends, but all I could think about was catching up with Hot Rocker and seeing Chris.

Within an hour of arriving I bumped into Chris. I was with my best girl friend on the way to the ladies when we saw him. He was talking to some big wig creative director and stopped his conversation. I felt like my heart jumped when I saw him. In my dream world –I wanted him to comment on how amazing I looked and then he’d hold my face in his hands and go in for the romantic kiss. In reality – he stopped his conversation with big wig, called out my name and reached out his hand for mine. He held my hand but people kept walking between us and we had to keep letting go. But he kept his hand out there waiting for me to grab on, and when I finally did, he pulled me in and we kissed. But it was so fleeting. We didn’t even chat. I told my girl friend how unsatisfying the encounter was but she shook me and said “Are you kidding? He didn’t even notice me! He didn’t say hello or even acknowledge my presence! As far as he’s aware, you were the only person in that room!” Now you have to understand that not only is my girl friend friends with Chris, but she is this gorgeous 6’3 skinny stunning ex model turned creative. When we walk down Rokeby Road, men turn their heads to get a glimpse of her and wolf whistle. And she was right. He didn’t acknowledge her in the slightest.

Anyway all this doesn’t matter because in the end, I didn’t end up with Chris. We spoke briefly at the after party but he never looked out for me. He was always so busy talking to everyone else. I was warned by his mates to ignore him because he was going to go on a bender. But I couldn’t help but hope he’d come looking for me. In my dreams – I wanted him to ask me to go home with him early on in the night because I was all that mattered. In reality – I stayed at the after party till 4 drinking with his friends. When I saw him canoodling with another girl at the bar my heart broke.

I was shattered. I was on the verge of tears and excused myself from my friends but they could sense something was up and tried to get me to stay. These friends – who also happen to be his colleagues - have no idea how much I’m into Chris. Anyway I switched positions so I wasn’t facing the bar and drowned myself in vodka. We were all boozy and out of the blue, one of the art directors says to me “Chris is single! You should hook up with Chris!” And he yells over to Chris at the bar “Hey Chris! Come over!”. Chris comes walking up to our possie and my art director friend asks “Hey Chris, have you met Stella?”. I’m fucked up and pissed off and mouth to him “Fuck you”. But he doesn’t see (thank goodness). I ignored him the rest of the night and watched him get into a taxi with the big wig from earlier in the night and some other boys without saying goodbye and no goodbye kiss. The next thing I remember it’s 11am in the morning and I have a massive hang over and still – a very broken heart.

Expectations with Hot Rocker on the other hand were met. In my dreams – we’d at least have a peck on the cheek. In reality – he put his arms around me and we kissed twice. But la dee da… I would’ve given up my two kisses with Hot Rocker for Chris’ undivided attention.

So this weekend… I’ve been nursing a sore head and heart by surrounding myself with friends and good food, alcohol and appropriate music.

After waking up on Saturday morning, the gang and I went to this new organic café in Northbridge, still in our ball outfits and donning dark sunglasses we ate bacon and rocket ciabattas and sipped on fair trade coffees and teas.

I went home for a shower and nap then headed out to the Belgium Beer Café with my girlfriends all dolled up and drank pints of Hoegaarden to try and get Chris out of my mind. On the way home I listened to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and wished I was Karen O. When I got back home, I went in search for my fender strat and cursed myself for not restringing my guitar earlier. I was drunk and inspired and drunkenly believed I could’ve penned a few heart felt angsty rock and roll tracks that could’ve made history.

Come Sunday morning, I had another huge headache but decided I wasn’t feeling better and needed some retail therapy. So I went shopping with a friend and bought a $376 Gorman dress – with ulterior motive. Next weekend I might be seeing Chris at a party and well… admittedly, I’m hoping that my sexy $376 dress will buy his attention. How sad! After picking up my new dress we ate (way too much) sushi. I finished off my retail therapy in JB Hi Fi and bought the new Arcade Fire album and PJ Harvey Stories from the City, Stories from the Sea and hoped the rock goddess could teach me a thing or two about heart break.

And tonight? Dinner consists of Lindt chocolate balls and apple cider… Mmmm!

Drowning myself in calories, music and beautiful clothes.

The date with this guy never ended up eventuating. He didn’t reply one of my texts and after a couple of days I concluded that ‘he’s just not that into me’. REJECTION. Ouch. Of course I was sorely disappointed but now that I’ve had a couple of weeks to sulk, I know I was only really into him because of his uncanny resemblance to the Hot Rocker.

After that little incident a couple of my boy friends suggested I stay clear of BOYS and any romance and relish singledom for awhile. The thing is, I’ve been single for AGES but I just happen to meet guys on a regular basis these days. It’s not like I hate being single. I’m not looking for a relationship, but I do think a long term relationship would be preferable than these casual romantic liaisons.

Anyway I decided to take my boy friends advice because they know me too well. But within a week I was breaking my new resolution.

I had drinks with Hot Rockers friend Chris during the week. It was quite a random affair. It was just meant to be a catch up over drinks, but it felt like a date. He was paying for all my drinks and we even had an awkward goodbye. I hate to say this but it was a struggle to not think I was strangely attracted to him. I am REALLY picky and couldn’t believe I was even thinking such thoughts because he’s not typically good looking, but there’s just something about him… He wants to have drinks when I come back from Sydney but I’m not going to do ANYTHING. I’ve decided to lay low and wait for him to make the moves.

Last night I went to a party and within minutes of arriving the Married One had his arms around me and kissed me. One of my boy friends asked him if we were sleeping together and I laughed it off but the Married One freaked out like he had been found out for what a cheater he was and kept his distance the rest of the night and left the party early.

It didn’t bother me at the slightest because to be honest… I was distracted by this guy my friend introduced me to. She’d been talking for weeks about how hot he was and boy she wasn’t kidding! Conversation with him just came about so easily, and I think it’s partly because I thought there was no chance for romance because he is a good 15 years older than me!! But half way through the night, the Older One and I separated from the crowd and sat on crates outside talking and bonding over the same music taste and favourite 2006 bands.

I glammed it up for the party and was wearing these 3 inch Robert Robert heels that were killing me half an hour of arriving at the party and I remember him telling me “You’d still look gorgeous, shoes or without shoes.” I just laughed but secretly my heart was pounding. He asked me out after the party to continue our night. I was quite sure I would’ve ended up waking up in his bed in the morning had I taken up his offer, and to be honest I fancied the thought of that, but I can’t believe this was the reason I turned him down, but my FEET! Oh my goodness… my feet were on fire!! I felt like my toes were going to fall off. My feet were in SO much pain!!!!!!!! There was no way I could’ve gone off gallivanting around with him like that. So yess… I turned down some debauchery for the comfort of my feet.

My boy friends made sure I got home OK and convinced me that I did the right thing - ending the night on a high note and leaving the Older One wanting more!

Awwwww shit. I am over dating. Well - at least the initial dating period. It’s so stressful! I feel like I’ve had this nasty, intense PMS and it isn’t even that time of the month. I’ve felt so up and down the past couple of days. Sure they’ve been times of complete and utter euphoria and bliss but the stress is far more overwhelming!

I met Ben last week at a party through a friend. I spotted him as soon as I arrived because he was OH so HOT and to be honest, he was a bit of a Hot Rocker look alike. Tattoos on his arms, this awesome arty farty t-shirt, major facial hair stubble action, a trucker cap and a general bad boy look on his face. But when it came to speaking to him, despite the looks, he was this really sweet guy with top conversation skills.

We got along really well. Turns out he just came back from Sydney, he’s in the same industry as me and is into ROCK and Fender Strats and has a life outside advertising. We saw each other a couple days later at another party and he put his arms around my waist and kissed me.

But I left the party and this week he’s been sporadically on my mind. So I spoke to my friend who introduced us and he said I should get in touch with Ben. It took a bit of convincing because I’ve decided that I’m anti-initiation, but my friend gave me Bens number and I boldly asked him out!

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lucky he said “I’m really keen! This weekend sounds great!”

Now, I’ve always claimed I wouldn’t be one of those needy, read-too-much-into-things kinda girl, but boy it was stressful when it took him half a day to confirm he would come and pick me up for our date! In my head, all I’m thinking is “MAYBE HE’S CHANGED HIS MIND? Maybe he hates me? Maybe he’s found someone else in 4 hours?”

Anyway, all the stress aside, we confirmed our date for Saturday night and I was EXCITED… till he called me hours later and as soon as he said

“I was really looking forward to this weekend…”

I knew he was going to let me down

His excuse was really fair but I’m only human and felt super disappointed!

We’re reconvening next week but I’m trying to teach myself to have low expectations. REALLY really really low expectations.

Have I mentioned I am SO over dating?

The Married One and I got over the awkwardness. It took a good few weeks and time apart to get back to normal. Or so I thought.

The first couple of weeks after the incident were tough. Especially when we were left on our lonesome. We never acknowledged what happened between us and I felt like I needed some sort of apology from him because HE was the one who initiated things and made things awkward. His wife did end up finding out something happened. She just has no idea what and with whom. I hated having to see her and feeling so fake and putting on an ‘extra nice’ act so she wouldn’t suspect anything. I especially hated the worried looks he would give me whenever I was faced with his wife.

Anyway we got over it. I was feeling good about us. We were back to talking like we use to and teasing each other and so on. So I felt more than comfortable getting the whole crew together for some Xmas drinks at our local. Yeah yeah, you’re probably thinking “Oh I know where this is going” but this isn’t some predictable Hollywood movie.

He didn’t accept my offer of drinks with the gang.

However…

he did msg me saying how much he wanted to accept my offer (but wasn’t allowed out since our last drunken debauchery) and in more or less words wanted to rekindle what we started last time.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now THAT put my head in a spin. I mean, as much as it would be a cool thought to think he came onto me because he was madly in love with me - I’m not silly. I thought alcohol was the contributing factor to our little liaison a few weeks ago, but to think he’s coming onto me without any trace of alcohol is another matter altogether. We were talking about how much he’s had to tone it down since he got married and he feels like he’s had to say goodbye to his party self. And I said to him…

“I love you the way you are”.

I can’t help but think if my words maybe meant a lot more to him than what I meant, because to be honest… that could’ve been one of the biggest porkies I’ve ever told. I hate that he’s a cheat and even if he was madly in love with me (HAH!) there is no way I would give up singledom to be with a CHEATER despite how amazingly gorgeous he is.

But… the power I have to make things happen scares the shit out of me.

Not that I am going to of course.

You should know that I am no Angelina Jolie. Nor do I at the slightest bit resemble Scarlett Johansen. I’ve been trying to find some sort of answer as to why this week has been a little crazy, so when Tiff mentioned the full moon, it kinda hit me that the lunar activities in the past week could be the answer.

I mean first there was my encounter with Hot Rocker early in the week. My boy friends who were there that night and saw our departing have convinced me that he is into me and they are hardly one to encourage embellishment and reading into things. But Hot Rocker didn’t ask for my number and I heard from the grapevine that he has just started to date this chick that is his equivalent – tattoos and piercings. And you know what? I just can’t compete with that. When I was 14, maybe I could’ve taken her on, but these days I like my skin in tact and with my fickleness, attempting to choose a permanent marking that I would be happy with for the rest of my life is setting myself up for disaster and an appointment with a laser technician.

Now comes the latest instalment…

You know when it comes to friendship groups or the work office or parties and so on, there’s always that one guy that stands out. He is the perfect one the girls pine over. There’s a general consensus (by both women and men) that he’s the most handsome and the nicest and the most charming and seems to have it all – including a girlfriend. The Drummer is one of those guys. I remember when I first saw him, all I remember thinking was “Whooaaaa”. He’s the boy next door who’s a great conversationalist and oh so creative. He’s hard to get to know, not because he’s an asshole, but it’s usually because one is so taken away with him it’s hard not to stutter and mumble away. It seemed like one giant feat when I did get to know him. And since getting to know him, I’ve always claimed he would be the man of my dreams – the exact type of guy I would want to spend the rest of my life with. But I kept myself detached from him knowing he was married and had a baby. I met his wife a couple of times and loved that she was the girl next door who wasn’t hot nor cute, but she had the most amazing bubbly personality.

Anyway… to cut to the chase… I don’t know how it happened. It wasn’t planned and it was completely spontaneous, but a group of us all ended up getting completely wasted. Since his wife gave birth he usually skips on any drunken activities or any sort of socialising outside of norm hours and goes home and I LOVED this about him. But we were all drinking from the afternoon and the boys convinced him to make a big night out of it since we were already heading in that direction.

It all started innocently. We held hands to demonstrate the ‘friendship hand holding’ compared to the ‘lovers hand holding’ (ie. The intertwining of fingers), but we just never let go.

We went to the Brisbane and in front of everyone he came up around me and made me sit in front of him in between his legs and started giving me a massage. It felt sooo good. Every time I closed my eyes and drifted off, I had to remind myself I was in public. Everyone was giving massages to each other so I didn’t think it was inappropriate. Plus in my mind, he was THE UNATTAINABLE, so I never thought it would lead anywhere.

But…

I started to feel ‘him’ if you know what I mean, and drunkenly thought the best solution was to swap positions so he was sitting in front of me between my legs and I gave him a head massage. During our moment, one of the girls commented that he looked like he was going to explode and I freaked out and stopped.

Then he kissed me.

I was so head fucked and it took me by surprise that I didn’t get to enjoy it. He kissed me a couple of times but I stopped reciprocating and said I wanted to talk instead.

But…

Conversation led to sex and he suggested we disappear for awhile. OH MY GOD! I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. The Drummer wanted to sleep with ME?

Eye gazing and leg rubbing and whispered suggestions lasted too long before someone interrupted. I left him and urgently rang Miss. 23 who I knew I could count on for some moral rationing and convincing that sleeping with The Drummer would be a BAD thing. She did a pretty good job of making me think about how his wife would feel or his little baby if she grew up without a dad. Miss 23 said she would ring every 20 minutes to make sure I hadn’t succumbed. It’s kinda funny that I never thought how awkward it would be the next day having to face him if we had sex, but when you’re drunk and everyone is horny, rational is never on the agenda.

Miss. 23 did end up ringing every 20-30 minutes, but after one call, The Drummer and I landed in a taxi together to go to another bar to meet the others. I could’ve gone in another taxi with some of the girls, but to be honest I wanted to see what would happen. I was pretty convinced nothing would happen (yet I know all I needed to say to Drummer was – let’s get a room), but I was playing with fire. So there we were in the taxi and it started with his hand on my knee and he was whispering dirty talk in my ear. And I was SO turned on. He started feeling me up and he kept asking “is this ok?” but I didn’t know how to say stop. Partly because I didn’t want him to, but when his second hand started making its way up my thigh, I remembered that since Racer has left Perth, I’ve gone back to shaving my legs from the knees down when I’m in a rush (ie. Any weekday) and was paranoid he could feel my hairy legs. Admittedly when I got home, I ran my hand up my leg and realised that had I let him gone on, he wouldn’t have felt a hair in sight.

I’d like to say I stood on my moral pedestal and demanded he stop straight away, but only combined with my pangs of guilt about his wife and child and paranoia about the state of my legs and the fact that I really wasn’t able to enjoy of it, I grabbed his hand and shook my head. He was crushed and apologetic.

He didn’t make any more moves on me the rest of the night which kinda blew seeing as everyone else was still crazy horny and touchy feely with each other and I really didn’t want to be like that with anyone else except for him.

I really wanted him, but knew it was wrong. There were times that I just wanted to go up to him and whisper “Let’s talk a walk”. The more I thought about it, the more stressed out I got. I ended up leaving solo and one of my girl friends rang whilst I was in the taxi on the way home and told me that the Drummer left straight after I did which was a relief that if I wasn’t getting any, he wasn’t either and would be going home to his wife.

I do remember looking out the taxi window and seeing the full moon and felt disappointed that the man of my dreams, was really very far from it.

Call me naive, but this whole Frenefit situation wasn’t as simple as I thought it would be. There’s been awkwardness, tears, jealousy, broken friendships, broken hearts and more tears to come.

But along with all the bad stuff, I’ve also experienced the most unique friendship. I don’t know how I could ever explain it or if I will ever experience it again. If there will be someone to replace him. Or if things will ever be the same.

Jack and Racer left to go back to the Eastern States FOREVER yesterday.

We knew it was coming.

It was probably the reason why we were seeing each other everyday in their last couple of months here - to make the most out of the time they were here.

Work has been keeping me super busy. Work work work. But during those spare moments I have to myself on the drive to work in the morning and on the way home, I listen to Jeff Buckleys “Oh Lover you should have come over” and tear up thinking about him. I LOVE the pain.

I am broken.

And I think I am in love.

And so in conclusion to my last post, I dislike the following things about Jack:

1. He tells really boring stories. It kills me. He has such passion when he’s initially telling themand when he’s finished I realise I’ve just wasted a good few minutes of my life.

2. Jack is really cool. (This is not what’s to hate) He was that hot super cool kid in highschool who’s great at sports and all the girls love him. That is, till he has a few drinks! He turns into that awkward embarassing kid at school who no-one really wants to talk to. The kid who tries to hard. TURN off…

3. And the quality that started this whole “What’s NOT cool” about Jack campaign is his ability to put someone down at a really inappropriate time. He’s never done it to me, but he said something really unnecessary to Racer and Racer was quite cut up about it. What Jack said to him was the equivalant of saying to Frank Sinatra that he couldn’t sing (and meaning it) right before he went on stage to sing in front of 10,000 people.

I mean honestly, I don’t know how people do it. That is, like one person enough to stay with them essentially for the rest of their lives! Despite all my posts about boys, they’re actually few and far between, and in my head the chances of finding one awesome man is a little disheartening. Am I too critical? Will I be a spinster at 40 and wish I hadn’t been so choosy and regret letting the fact that I struck off someone from my potential list because he loses his cool when he’s had one too many? Or because once in a blue moon he likes to put someone down? Or because the thought of growing old with someone and having to listen to their boring stories till I’m senile makes me cringe? Am I over reacting here? Am I still single because I’m too picky? When people get married, is it because they’ve had enough of singledom and consciously decide to just settle and put up with anothers faults? Sure I’m not perfect, but I would hate if someone decided to just “settle” with me even if they hated the fact that I snore, or that I pitch in when it comes to having a consumerist driven society or that I’m a little obsessive compulsive. I would want someone to love those points about me. Just like I’m sure someone would love Jacks boring stories or that he’s a complete goof when he’s drunk.

Turns out there’s lots of things to hate about Jack…