That’s Stella

I got so drunk last night I had to come into work today hung over and sick and cranky. The sun made me squint. Every noise in the office made me cringe with pain. I wanted to roll up in the foetal position and close myself off from the world.
But it was all worth it!!! I had a blast and a half last night at this magazine party. It was like having a Saturday night, on a Wednesday night.

I made out with a crush I fancied last year.

I made out with him last week too but didn’t think it was such a big deal because having a conversation with him was painful. I tried. We tried. But in the end I was just content standing next to him in silence watching girls checking him out and being envious of my friends around me who were having animated conversations with his friends and dreaming about being able to have a conversation with a man about how much of a genius Charlie Kaufman is and creating evil plans to take over the world.
We made out when I went to say goodbye. He went in for it, and I must admit he was quite speedy I didn’t even have that much time to have a social conscience commentary play out in my mind. All I remember thinking was “There’s nothing there. But.. he’s really hot. oh well. no ones perfect”.

He was the first one I saw when I arrived at the party last night. I thought it must be fate for me to make out with this hot rock star and why should I fight it? What can I say?

I love fate.

I am a terrible blogger. The past few weeks have been action packed. There’s been lots of goss and stories to tell but so very little time to divulge.

Most recently I had a week of birthday celebrations.

I kicked off celebrations a week before my birthday by having dinner and drinks at my favourite pub - The Flying Scotsman. Things started out fairly civilised and lovely, till one of my boy friends from work arrived and insisted on doing this. I swear, my hands were tied and I had to oblige! Four Jagers and plenty of beers later, well, I was a little chipper, carefree and had developed two left feet I had to deal with.

Hot Rocker showed up unexpectedly which was a wicked surprise. Chris still hasn’t spilled the beans to me that he and Hot Rocker are leaving the country and I thought my birthday night might be the time he break the news, but it’s pretty hard to break the news when he doesn’t show up! Bastard!

So of course my dreams of hooking up with Chris for old times sake on my birthday (and for THE final time before he skips the country) was shattered, but it didn’t spoil my night. The later it got, my friends started dropping like flies and by midnight there was only me and four of my boy friends including my Jager buddy. By the time we stumbled to Luxe Bar to have some Lychee Loves and Gin and Tonics, I was well and truly sloshed.

Tofer took a pill and went missing. We were quite concerned and searched Luxe and the shrubery opposite Luxe Bar fearing he had either gotton himself into a fight and landed in the gutter or mistook the leafy shrubs for his duvet. But we had no luck.

We ended our night at Englishs pad in Northbridge where he fed us olive tepenades, pumpkin dips, basil pesto, chicken and champagne pate, brie and blue cheese on melba toast at 4 in the morning.

Tofer did show up 2 days later but all he remembers was pashing some random girl and waking up in his bed.

Despite the expensive retail therapy and over indulgence last weekend to get over seeing Chris canoodling with another girl, I was still DOWN. Oh my! Who would’ve guessed.

Anyway… my girl friends suggested I just be straight and tell him that I like him.

I always thought that it was obvious. The fact that I always reciprocated his kiss was a way of saying “Hey I think you’re Mr. Hottie Hotpants and I wouldn’t mind if you tried to get into mine”.

But the girls reminded me that he is a creative and this means (in our stereotypical view) that creatives need direction and are often a little clueless and need a suit to guide their way. And it’s true. I mean, without suits, creatives would be surfing YouTube all day long.

So I emailed him. I asked him if he wanted to meet up for drinks sometime this week.

And I waited for his response.

Despite his advances in the past, I still expected him to reply with a “Oh sorry I’m busy” or completely ignore my request. My confidence in our little romantic liaison dipped since I last saw him.

But within minutes he replied with a day and time and venue, as well as some minor chit chat about how he can’t remember a thing from the ad ball.

I was ecstatic! I wished I had done it before I spent all my money on the weekend and loaded up on the Lindt…

I met him at our usual bar after work. I was 10 minutes late because I thought I was going to be sick! There were a few close calls, but by the time I actually got out of the bathroom at work, I was stuck in traffic and felt oh so bad.

I walked in the bar and there he was… and I can’t describe the feeling of seeing him. But it felt like I hadn’t seen him for a lifetime. Things were a little awkward at first. The more we chatted, the more I felt like I didn’t really know him as much as I wanted to before spilling the beans. Yeah sure it was also an excuse for not telling him how I felt, but this was the first time we’d be out alone and I wanted to see how things would go.

We talked about marriage and sex and life partners and at one point it did feel like we were interviewing each other as potentials, but I gained SO much insight into why he hasn’t been making bold moves. He doesn’t want anything long term. Ever. He doesn’t believe it’s realistic! OMG. In my head I could feel alarm bells going off. Not that I’m expecting to find a husband in the near future, but everything he was saying said SO much about what could happen. And particularly… all the ways he could break my heart! argH!

After the ’serious’ talk we gave crap to each other and it felt a lot more casual like it has in the past when we had friends around. I made him laugh and OMG HIS LAUGH is the most amazing sound ever. He laughs with his whole body and his eyes squint and he is oh so gorgeous.

At the end of the night he went in for the kiss. It was like we were on slow motion. He moved in… leant down (he’s well over 6ft and I’m a mere 5ft3.)… and tilted his head and closed his eyes… HAHAHAH… it was so great. I kept my eyes open so I could get a look of him up close and personal but when our lips locked (how corny!) I thought I’d better close my eyes in case he caught me staring.

I’m seeing him again tonight and in my dreams I’ll ask him to take me home with him.

In reality, I know I’ll end up waking up in my friends bed head to toe, unsatisfied.

Ha.

On Friday night was the big annual advertising ball. There were over 800 people and tickets were pricey at $175. Everything was v. extravagant and everyone was frocked up and gorgeous.

I went with three of the creative boys who I knew would give me an ego boost before stepping onto the red carpet. Seriously, nights like these always makes me reconsider my fear of spewing just so I could fit into a size 6 dress and look as amazing as the other girls.

Anyway… I was set for failure because I had high expectations…

I schmoozed and networked and caught up with old friends, but all I could think about was catching up with Hot Rocker and seeing Chris.

Within an hour of arriving I bumped into Chris. I was with my best girl friend on the way to the ladies when we saw him. He was talking to some big wig creative director and stopped his conversation. I felt like my heart jumped when I saw him. In my dream world –I wanted him to comment on how amazing I looked and then he’d hold my face in his hands and go in for the romantic kiss. In reality – he stopped his conversation with big wig, called out my name and reached out his hand for mine. He held my hand but people kept walking between us and we had to keep letting go. But he kept his hand out there waiting for me to grab on, and when I finally did, he pulled me in and we kissed. But it was so fleeting. We didn’t even chat. I told my girl friend how unsatisfying the encounter was but she shook me and said “Are you kidding? He didn’t even notice me! He didn’t say hello or even acknowledge my presence! As far as he’s aware, you were the only person in that room!” Now you have to understand that not only is my girl friend friends with Chris, but she is this gorgeous 6’3 skinny stunning ex model turned creative. When we walk down Rokeby Road, men turn their heads to get a glimpse of her and wolf whistle. And she was right. He didn’t acknowledge her in the slightest.

Anyway all this doesn’t matter because in the end, I didn’t end up with Chris. We spoke briefly at the after party but he never looked out for me. He was always so busy talking to everyone else. I was warned by his mates to ignore him because he was going to go on a bender. But I couldn’t help but hope he’d come looking for me. In my dreams – I wanted him to ask me to go home with him early on in the night because I was all that mattered. In reality – I stayed at the after party till 4 drinking with his friends. When I saw him canoodling with another girl at the bar my heart broke.

I was shattered. I was on the verge of tears and excused myself from my friends but they could sense something was up and tried to get me to stay. These friends – who also happen to be his colleagues - have no idea how much I’m into Chris. Anyway I switched positions so I wasn’t facing the bar and drowned myself in vodka. We were all boozy and out of the blue, one of the art directors says to me “Chris is single! You should hook up with Chris!” And he yells over to Chris at the bar “Hey Chris! Come over!”. Chris comes walking up to our possie and my art director friend asks “Hey Chris, have you met Stella?”. I’m fucked up and pissed off and mouth to him “Fuck you”. But he doesn’t see (thank goodness). I ignored him the rest of the night and watched him get into a taxi with the big wig from earlier in the night and some other boys without saying goodbye and no goodbye kiss. The next thing I remember it’s 11am in the morning and I have a massive hang over and still – a very broken heart.

Expectations with Hot Rocker on the other hand were met. In my dreams – we’d at least have a peck on the cheek. In reality – he put his arms around me and we kissed twice. But la dee da… I would’ve given up my two kisses with Hot Rocker for Chris’ undivided attention.

So this weekend… I’ve been nursing a sore head and heart by surrounding myself with friends and good food, alcohol and appropriate music.

After waking up on Saturday morning, the gang and I went to this new organic café in Northbridge, still in our ball outfits and donning dark sunglasses we ate bacon and rocket ciabattas and sipped on fair trade coffees and teas.

I went home for a shower and nap then headed out to the Belgium Beer Café with my girlfriends all dolled up and drank pints of Hoegaarden to try and get Chris out of my mind. On the way home I listened to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and wished I was Karen O. When I got back home, I went in search for my fender strat and cursed myself for not restringing my guitar earlier. I was drunk and inspired and drunkenly believed I could’ve penned a few heart felt angsty rock and roll tracks that could’ve made history.

Come Sunday morning, I had another huge headache but decided I wasn’t feeling better and needed some retail therapy. So I went shopping with a friend and bought a $376 Gorman dress – with ulterior motive. Next weekend I might be seeing Chris at a party and well… admittedly, I’m hoping that my sexy $376 dress will buy his attention. How sad! After picking up my new dress we ate (way too much) sushi. I finished off my retail therapy in JB Hi Fi and bought the new Arcade Fire album and PJ Harvey Stories from the City, Stories from the Sea and hoped the rock goddess could teach me a thing or two about heart break.

And tonight? Dinner consists of Lindt chocolate balls and apple cider… Mmmm!

Drowning myself in calories, music and beautiful clothes.

Since getting back from Sydney, I’ve been spending very little time at home. There’s been no such thing as ’school nights’. In fact… the one night I did spend at home was last Saturday night. Not sure why there’s been a sudden surge of social activities, but I’m not slowing down because I figure I better take advantage of this now rather than regret it in a few weeks time when things potentially quiet down.

Contributing to my increase of late nights has been the opening of Becks Verandah two weeks ago as part of the Perth International Arts Festival. Becks Verandah is by far my FAVOURITE favourite favourite venue in Perth. It’s so sad it’s open for such a limited season. From 10:30pm it’s free entry to the late night bar and it’s open till fairly early in the morning. I love the mixed sea of people and being under the night stars whilst lazing on the couches and listening to the great DJ’s that feature every night. I can’t get enough of it! I’ve been going nearly every second night. Work had a party there the other night and we had a VIP section which meant choice seats for the whole night and lots of free booze!

It had been sometime since I last saw him, but I finally had drinks after work with Hot Rockers friend Chris. I convinced myself that it had been far too long since I last saw him to remember the funny feelings I had for him when we last saw each other and thought it’d just be a catch up, yet getting ready for work that morning I took an hour to do my hair (ie. an extra 40 minutes prep from my normal routine) and wore my new favourite cute pinafore dress with killer teal heels so go figure!

We met at our usual meeting spot - the HB Bar - with one mate each in tow. He brought another one of the creatives from his agency and I brought my sidekick boy from work so at least conversation would flow real easy. At the beginning of the night Chris and I sat opposite each other. Everytime I looked away from him, I could feel his eyes on me. It was flattering! After he bought me a couple drinks (with $16 a drink that is real love there!) we ended up just STARING at each other. At first there was that awkward “Oh no he caught me checking him out” moment, but later we were too riddled with alcohol to care. Whilst I was sipping on my cocktail (trying to look sexy) he mouthed across the table silently “You look so hot“. I was so embarrassed I looked away. When our friends went to get drinks at the bar, Chris moved over next to me so we were huddled in a dark corner of a booth. He told me I had a certain style about me and that I was always well dressed and looking great. Awwwww… A few more drinks later we were just whispering in each others ears and he had his arm around me.

I looked at him trying to figure out why I was so attracted to him. He’s not my type at all! He’s like the complete opposite of everything I find attractive. I’m usually into blazer and t-shirt and skinny leg combo wearing dishevelled indie dorks with brown floppy hair. Chris is tall and masculine and has a great bod but would look ridiculous in skinny legs and has no floppy hair - instead he has a shaved head and get this, I don’t even know if he has good music taste!!!! Similar music taste is usually the deciding factor and I don’t even know what he likes! I did hear him say he hated R&B and that was good enough for me at the time.

When the clock struck 12 we decided it was time for goodbye. We were all standing and lil me at 5′3 and Chris at over 6′ I thought that this could potentially be an awkward goodbye if we went in for the kiss. Anyway there was this great automatic leaning in for the kiss between us so neither of us had to be the initiator. EXCEPT I aimed for his cheek but Chris changes route and goes for the kiss on the lips! I was so shocked I put my hands on his shoulders for some balance and it was so hot! TILL… my joker sidekick yells out so the whole bar could hear

“I SAW SOME TONGUE! THERE WAS TONGUE”

and ruins the moment! I was so embarrassed I tore away.

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!

But I still went home giddy with gleeeeee! tra la la la laaaaa!

The date with this guy never ended up eventuating. He didn’t reply one of my texts and after a couple of days I concluded that ‘he’s just not that into me’. REJECTION. Ouch. Of course I was sorely disappointed but now that I’ve had a couple of weeks to sulk, I know I was only really into him because of his uncanny resemblance to the Hot Rocker.

After that little incident a couple of my boy friends suggested I stay clear of BOYS and any romance and relish singledom for awhile. The thing is, I’ve been single for AGES but I just happen to meet guys on a regular basis these days. It’s not like I hate being single. I’m not looking for a relationship, but I do think a long term relationship would be preferable than these casual romantic liaisons.

Anyway I decided to take my boy friends advice because they know me too well. But within a week I was breaking my new resolution.

I had drinks with Hot Rockers friend Chris during the week. It was quite a random affair. It was just meant to be a catch up over drinks, but it felt like a date. He was paying for all my drinks and we even had an awkward goodbye. I hate to say this but it was a struggle to not think I was strangely attracted to him. I am REALLY picky and couldn’t believe I was even thinking such thoughts because he’s not typically good looking, but there’s just something about him… He wants to have drinks when I come back from Sydney but I’m not going to do ANYTHING. I’ve decided to lay low and wait for him to make the moves.

Last night I went to a party and within minutes of arriving the Married One had his arms around me and kissed me. One of my boy friends asked him if we were sleeping together and I laughed it off but the Married One freaked out like he had been found out for what a cheater he was and kept his distance the rest of the night and left the party early.

It didn’t bother me at the slightest because to be honest… I was distracted by this guy my friend introduced me to. She’d been talking for weeks about how hot he was and boy she wasn’t kidding! Conversation with him just came about so easily, and I think it’s partly because I thought there was no chance for romance because he is a good 15 years older than me!! But half way through the night, the Older One and I separated from the crowd and sat on crates outside talking and bonding over the same music taste and favourite 2006 bands.

I glammed it up for the party and was wearing these 3 inch Robert Robert heels that were killing me half an hour of arriving at the party and I remember him telling me “You’d still look gorgeous, shoes or without shoes.” I just laughed but secretly my heart was pounding. He asked me out after the party to continue our night. I was quite sure I would’ve ended up waking up in his bed in the morning had I taken up his offer, and to be honest I fancied the thought of that, but I can’t believe this was the reason I turned him down, but my FEET! Oh my goodness… my feet were on fire!! I felt like my toes were going to fall off. My feet were in SO much pain!!!!!!!! There was no way I could’ve gone off gallivanting around with him like that. So yess… I turned down some debauchery for the comfort of my feet.

My boy friends made sure I got home OK and convinced me that I did the right thing - ending the night on a high note and leaving the Older One wanting more!

You should know that I am no Angelina Jolie. Nor do I at the slightest bit resemble Scarlett Johansen. I’ve been trying to find some sort of answer as to why this week has been a little crazy, so when Tiff mentioned the full moon, it kinda hit me that the lunar activities in the past week could be the answer.

I mean first there was my encounter with Hot Rocker early in the week. My boy friends who were there that night and saw our departing have convinced me that he is into me and they are hardly one to encourage embellishment and reading into things. But Hot Rocker didn’t ask for my number and I heard from the grapevine that he has just started to date this chick that is his equivalent – tattoos and piercings. And you know what? I just can’t compete with that. When I was 14, maybe I could’ve taken her on, but these days I like my skin in tact and with my fickleness, attempting to choose a permanent marking that I would be happy with for the rest of my life is setting myself up for disaster and an appointment with a laser technician.

Now comes the latest instalment…

You know when it comes to friendship groups or the work office or parties and so on, there’s always that one guy that stands out. He is the perfect one the girls pine over. There’s a general consensus (by both women and men) that he’s the most handsome and the nicest and the most charming and seems to have it all – including a girlfriend. The Drummer is one of those guys. I remember when I first saw him, all I remember thinking was “Whooaaaa”. He’s the boy next door who’s a great conversationalist and oh so creative. He’s hard to get to know, not because he’s an asshole, but it’s usually because one is so taken away with him it’s hard not to stutter and mumble away. It seemed like one giant feat when I did get to know him. And since getting to know him, I’ve always claimed he would be the man of my dreams – the exact type of guy I would want to spend the rest of my life with. But I kept myself detached from him knowing he was married and had a baby. I met his wife a couple of times and loved that she was the girl next door who wasn’t hot nor cute, but she had the most amazing bubbly personality.

Anyway… to cut to the chase… I don’t know how it happened. It wasn’t planned and it was completely spontaneous, but a group of us all ended up getting completely wasted. Since his wife gave birth he usually skips on any drunken activities or any sort of socialising outside of norm hours and goes home and I LOVED this about him. But we were all drinking from the afternoon and the boys convinced him to make a big night out of it since we were already heading in that direction.

It all started innocently. We held hands to demonstrate the ‘friendship hand holding’ compared to the ‘lovers hand holding’ (ie. The intertwining of fingers), but we just never let go.

We went to the Brisbane and in front of everyone he came up around me and made me sit in front of him in between his legs and started giving me a massage. It felt sooo good. Every time I closed my eyes and drifted off, I had to remind myself I was in public. Everyone was giving massages to each other so I didn’t think it was inappropriate. Plus in my mind, he was THE UNATTAINABLE, so I never thought it would lead anywhere.

But…

I started to feel ‘him’ if you know what I mean, and drunkenly thought the best solution was to swap positions so he was sitting in front of me between my legs and I gave him a head massage. During our moment, one of the girls commented that he looked like he was going to explode and I freaked out and stopped.

Then he kissed me.

I was so head fucked and it took me by surprise that I didn’t get to enjoy it. He kissed me a couple of times but I stopped reciprocating and said I wanted to talk instead.

But…

Conversation led to sex and he suggested we disappear for awhile. OH MY GOD! I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. The Drummer wanted to sleep with ME?

Eye gazing and leg rubbing and whispered suggestions lasted too long before someone interrupted. I left him and urgently rang Miss. 23 who I knew I could count on for some moral rationing and convincing that sleeping with The Drummer would be a BAD thing. She did a pretty good job of making me think about how his wife would feel or his little baby if she grew up without a dad. Miss 23 said she would ring every 20 minutes to make sure I hadn’t succumbed. It’s kinda funny that I never thought how awkward it would be the next day having to face him if we had sex, but when you’re drunk and everyone is horny, rational is never on the agenda.

Miss. 23 did end up ringing every 20-30 minutes, but after one call, The Drummer and I landed in a taxi together to go to another bar to meet the others. I could’ve gone in another taxi with some of the girls, but to be honest I wanted to see what would happen. I was pretty convinced nothing would happen (yet I know all I needed to say to Drummer was – let’s get a room), but I was playing with fire. So there we were in the taxi and it started with his hand on my knee and he was whispering dirty talk in my ear. And I was SO turned on. He started feeling me up and he kept asking “is this ok?” but I didn’t know how to say stop. Partly because I didn’t want him to, but when his second hand started making its way up my thigh, I remembered that since Racer has left Perth, I’ve gone back to shaving my legs from the knees down when I’m in a rush (ie. Any weekday) and was paranoid he could feel my hairy legs. Admittedly when I got home, I ran my hand up my leg and realised that had I let him gone on, he wouldn’t have felt a hair in sight.

I’d like to say I stood on my moral pedestal and demanded he stop straight away, but only combined with my pangs of guilt about his wife and child and paranoia about the state of my legs and the fact that I really wasn’t able to enjoy of it, I grabbed his hand and shook my head. He was crushed and apologetic.

He didn’t make any more moves on me the rest of the night which kinda blew seeing as everyone else was still crazy horny and touchy feely with each other and I really didn’t want to be like that with anyone else except for him.

I really wanted him, but knew it was wrong. There were times that I just wanted to go up to him and whisper “Let’s talk a walk”. The more I thought about it, the more stressed out I got. I ended up leaving solo and one of my girl friends rang whilst I was in the taxi on the way home and told me that the Drummer left straight after I did which was a relief that if I wasn’t getting any, he wasn’t either and would be going home to his wife.

I do remember looking out the taxi window and seeing the full moon and felt disappointed that the man of my dreams, was really very far from it.