That’s Stella

It took me forever to decide what to wear on my date with Jon. Our plan was to check out some bands in the Lower East Side (hipster central) so I was leaning towards the indie girl checkered dress outfit. But my house mates (who dressed like hipsters for Halloween) convinced me otherwise and told me to go “pretty”. I waved my long locks and donned a cool dress and wondered in the cab on the way to meet him if it really would have mattered either way. Oy! What girls go through!

I went to meet him at 10:30 at the Mercury Lounge. When I got there, I was on the look out for tall men to spot him in the crowd. I was checking out one tall cute guy and was pleasantly surprised when I realized it was Jon. I had butterflies in my stomach. Ha!

There was a big crowd so we didn’t really get to do the hug/kiss hello. He led the way to the entrance and discretely paid for everything like he was handing $20 bills in a handshake. One minute I was inside and the next I had a drink in my hand. He was such a smooth operator.

We found a place inside towards the back to the corner where I could see the band and where he wasn’t blocking anyone’s view. Perfect compromise. During one of the songs, I went to whisper something in his ear. He leaned down and before I could say what I was about to say, he kissed me.

And it was awesome. And it was lingering. And I completely felt it.

After the show, we caught a cab to the East Village and had drinks at this cool bar. It was nice and dark and we nabbed the perfect corner seat by the window. Every time he put his hand on my leg or I brushed his hand it was a little exciting. We teased each other between conversations about music and New York and our experiences.

At 3:30 I kissed him on the cheek and got in a cab to go home - alone.

Despite how great everything seems, there was one thing that was bugging me…

Remember this rejection?

Whilst we obviously did not get off on the right foot with the organizers, turns out they are really great folks and gave us a refund plus asked us to attend an event of our choice for free.

So a few weeks later, my girlfriends and I actually joined in on our first speed dating event. But it wasn’t anything to write home about. It was like Groundhog Day…. Twenty two different “dates” but the same conversation over and over. “What do you do? Is that an English accent I hear? How long have you been here? Where abouts in the city are you? Nice to meet you.” Sure 3 minutes is tough to have a deep and meaningful conversation, but three minutes was also enough time to inflict pain. There was only one guy I thought was OK - he was an indie boy, but actually had a job and worked in media. We hung out after, but there was no sizzle. My girlfriends and I were a bit bummed and actually left the place with a GIRL’s number! (She was this cool chick who also worked in advertising). Gah.

So the deal is, when you leave the event, you go online and make your choices. If you picked Tom, and Tom picked you, it’s a match and you get each other’s emails. If you picked Tom, and Tom was NOT into you, Tom does not know you picked him. It’s a good system.

I picked the indie boy. Only the indie boy. I know I should’ve increased my chances of love and all that jazz by picking more people, but it was not worth it. I mean, I swear I am not that desperate.

Indie boy did NOT pick me - I know this, because after three days, my status on my dating page was “YOU DID NOT MATCH AT THIS EVENT”. It felt like a big fat rejection and fuck you from all 22 guys.

Even though my girlfriend and I swore we wouldn’t do it again, a few of our other girlfriends convinced us to go (plus it was a free event, so no moula was forked out). We had a group of 6 girls, and admittedly it was SO MUCH FUN. Having so many girlfriends around made me relax and adopt a “Don’t give a shit” attitude. Whilst a lot of the guys still asked lame questions like “What do you do?”, I tried to avoid Groundhog Day, and asked random questions like “If you could only hear one song for the rest of your life, what would it be?” or “In your opinion, what is the best Tom Cruise film?”. The cool guys shot back with some killer questions, but the guys that tended to ask about the standard things struggled in their seat and looked like they were going to shit in their pants. aCK..

So my last date was this cool guy- good looking, Orlando Bloom-ish looks, smart, thrill seeker and had lots of energy. I ended up picking him and this guy who put his hand on my leg and looked like John Legend. I was stoked when I got an email notifying me that the thrill seeker picked me! Whoopeee!

I don’t actually expect to hear from him because he is hot and I am not, and I am naturally (in my head) a massive pessimist, but I’ll keep you updated either way!

I wrote a long essay about what happened today but erased it all so I could cut to the chase.

Today, I went on a date.

I met this guy a few months ago and thought there was just something really cool about him. And of course I was really attracted to him. But I never thought we’d ever go out on a date and actually have a chance at romance because…

He’s married.

But before you send me abuse and holler our “home wrecker!” he and his wife had been having issues way before I came on the scene. Today he confirmed he would be single sooner then later. And I’d just like to point out that whilst of course this is good news for me, I think it’s fucking awful this is happening for him and his family. As much as I like him, I’m not going to actively pursue anything. If he likes me as much as I like him, I don’t want to be the one that makes it easier for him to end a marriage.

Oh… and the other reason I never ever thought there would be a future, let alone a date, is the fact the guy is 49!!! Just in case you didn’t get that, that is FORTY NINE YEARS OLD. I mean, that is kind of disgusting that there’s a 2 year age difference between him and my mom, and to really put it into perspective, he was born in 1959, which not only means he saw the 60’s, but also the 70’s, 80’s, 90’s, OMG. There is a 25 years age difference between us.

It’s not like I haven’t tried to talk myself out of liking him. It would help if he wasn’t a creative (you know I’m a sucker for them) and if he actually looked his age instead of looking like a man in his late thirties…

Thoughts? Good arguments to end this is welcome. Calling me a home wrecker is not a good argument because the same could be said for the guy who cheated with his wife.

On Friday night I attended one of the Museum of Moving Images spring events at The Times Center in Times Square. My creative hero - Michel Gondry - was being interviewed by the curator of the museum. He’s directed music videos for Bjork, Beck, The Rolling Stones and heaps of other musicians. He directed one of my favorite movies - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. And he’s directed amazing advertisements for Smirnoff, Levi’s and Air France. I know this might sound strange, but I feel particularly connected to him because the work he creates so closely resembles my vivid dreams that I’m just in awe when I see his work. A couple of months ago I was actually drinking next to him at Lit Bar in the East Village, but by the time I grew balls to speak to him, he had left with this leggy, young woman! The talk was great - he was very funny and charming, completely unpretentious and I was blown away.

I arrived early and waited in the foyer. There was a few of us in there, and this guy and I end up randomly talking. I feel like this happens all the time in New York. I tell my NY friends about it and they’re always amazed so maybe it’s just me? Tell me if I’m wrong, but conversations with random strangers in Australia is pretty rare.

Anyway, of course this guy is in film, he’s pretty hot, a cross between a hipster and a typical creative, sporting a beard, jeans, band t-shirt and blazer with sneakers. Oui oui, typical. However, he’s really lovely and so easy to talk to and didn’t bombard me with name dropping of other directors. I love film, but I am by no means an expert and get an urge to punch people in the face who make others feel bad about not knowing no-name directors.

We end up sitting together during the talk. After the talk, he asks me out for coffee. Coffee turns into dinner. Dinner turns into drinks in the West Village. And I end up home at 4am on a Saturday morning.

During the whole time we were drinking, I kept thinking I should really fancy this guy. We liked the same bands. We liked the same films. We had a lot in common. He was really nice and yet, I felt nothing. Hell, he was really good looking. And zip. No feelings. I wondered what would happen if we made out, and I had visions of a really boring and unpassionate, awkward kiss. Yuck. Then I started thinking what elements I would need to add for me to be interested in Film Boy. Firstly, he’d need to be older - at least 5 years older. And here’s the sick part - I thought if he was more aloof - a bit more of an asshole - not so friendly - I probably wouldn’t be able to keep my hands off him. WTF is wrong with me!

So let me just make it clear - there was no action on Friday night. Nor was there any action on Saturday night when he asked me out.

He called me on Saturday afternoon and asked if I wanted to go out for drinks that night. We decided to meet at my place and decide where to go from there. Whilst I was waiting for him to arrive, I got a call from LA Man. It was very strange timing. We actually hadn’t spoken since the expensive dinner. He said he was on a long drive back from a business conference and was driving through the desert at night and wanted to chat. But we were on the phone for less than 10 minutes when Film Boy arrived and I had to cut it short.

Film Boy and I headed to the East Village and drank two bottles of wine between us. It was a really cruisy night, but I’m thinking of setting him up with a friend of mine! Haha. I’m passing on the love!

I can hardly contain my excitement….!

I am meeting Bstein (aka New York Man) in Los Angeles for a romantic rendezvous!!!

ARggghhhh!

The New York man is no longer a New York man. He is living in LA now.
I rang him during work. It’s been hard to find a good time to chat with the time difference and all. I didn’t really expect to get a hold off him, but he answered in his gorgeous accent,
“Hello? Hello?”.
All I said was “Hello!” and he recognised my voice straight away.

We haven’t spoken for close to a year but it was just like old times. Conversation ran smoothly. It was like nothing had changed.

I wish I could’ve recorded his response when I told him I was moving to New York and would be in Los Angeles in 2 weeks!! He was blown away.

He said he couldn’t wait to see me again. He said he wanted to introduce me to all his friends.

But the biggest news of all?

He broke up with his girlfriend over two months ago.
I kinda knew about her from his friends in NY and dreaded that she could be the only thing that could potentially prevent me from seeing him when I went to LA. But now… well now we can’t wait to see each other!

I can’t wait to see if anything that once was there, is still there. I can’t wait to see this familiar face I haven’t seen for such a long time. I can’t wait to hug him and know he wasn’t just in my dreams.

But I’m not going over for him. And it’s not about him.
But there’s no harm in a bit of romance!

I know I claimed that I had some sort of closure with him, but the romantic feelings haven’t miraculously come to a halt. Yet. I’m working on it, but I can’t help but want to spend all my time with him, especially as our time is so limited considering I’m leaving in a months time!

He is going on vacation with his family for the next 3 weeks and only returns in my last week in Perth so we made more of an effort to spend more time together this week.

I got up at 4:30am to be on time to meet him for breakfast at one of my favourite breakfast spots. It took me forever deciding what to wear. Sexy or cute? At that time of the day, I thought cute was the way to go and wore a booby black dress with black pointy wedges and a caramel and black polka dot silk scarf tied around my neck in a bow.

We arrived at our meeting spot at the same time. Even though he was right outside the restaurant, he crossed the road to meet me, and I clutched his arm as we crossed the road together. It was breezy and my hair and scarf blew in the wind, and I felt like I was in some romantic movie.

We scored a booth in a corner of the restaurant and sat next to each other snuggled intimately, like one of those annoying couples you see sitting on the same side of a booth rather than sitting opposite each other. We whispered to each other and my attention was his. A bald Britney Spears could’ve walked in with her entourage and a flock of paparazzi and I wouldn’t have noticed, Hell, the restaurant could’ve been burning down and I doubt I would’ve felt the fire at my feet.

As we ate breakfast, I did think how lucky it would be to have breakfast with him every morning or even better, to wake up with him every morning.

On our last day at work before his vacation, I noticed a lone Christmas present sitting on his desk the whole day. Admittedly I got a little paranoid and wondered if it wasn’t for me, who he could possibly like in the office more than me! But my heart melt when he went to say goodbye and gave me the present and wished me a great Christmas and New Years. I told him how much I’d miss him and didn’t know how I’d survive my last few weeks at work without him. We kissed and it was bittersweet as he left and I clutched his present in my hand.

I love you.
I just love my kids more.

It was everything I needed to hear for me to move on. I know it has been going on for way too long – these feelings for the unattainable. Silly silly silly! Married. Kids. You don’t have to tell me how wrong it is.

But it’s not every day you meet someone who has the whole package, who you’re completely attracted to and who seems to at least reciprocate some sort of feelings for you too.

Hell, he loves me!

I’m shocked he was so blunt about it. I mean, he’s English. I thought English men don’t talk about feelings? I’m glad it’s out in the open and now I don’t have to stay awake at night wondering if he feels the same way or if his touches mean anything more than they are.

I am flattered he ‘loves’ me. But I love even more that he loves his kids and wife and family more.

I love that it wasn’t a hard decision for him. I completely respect him for that. On top of the fact he’s always got time for me if I’m down or just need a chat, he sticks up for me and never sugar coats things – he always tells me like it is because as he says ‘we’re too close to bullshit each other’. He’s just always there. He cares.

He told me the other day that he only has friends he’s known for 30 over years and it was nice that I came along and will join his list of friends he’ll know for a long time.

Even though I’m only here for another month, I’m looking forward to our ‘friendship’.

Since getting back from Sydney, I’ve been spending very little time at home. There’s been no such thing as ’school nights’. In fact… the one night I did spend at home was last Saturday night. Not sure why there’s been a sudden surge of social activities, but I’m not slowing down because I figure I better take advantage of this now rather than regret it in a few weeks time when things potentially quiet down.

Contributing to my increase of late nights has been the opening of Becks Verandah two weeks ago as part of the Perth International Arts Festival. Becks Verandah is by far my FAVOURITE favourite favourite venue in Perth. It’s so sad it’s open for such a limited season. From 10:30pm it’s free entry to the late night bar and it’s open till fairly early in the morning. I love the mixed sea of people and being under the night stars whilst lazing on the couches and listening to the great DJ’s that feature every night. I can’t get enough of it! I’ve been going nearly every second night. Work had a party there the other night and we had a VIP section which meant choice seats for the whole night and lots of free booze!

It had been sometime since I last saw him, but I finally had drinks after work with Hot Rockers friend Chris. I convinced myself that it had been far too long since I last saw him to remember the funny feelings I had for him when we last saw each other and thought it’d just be a catch up, yet getting ready for work that morning I took an hour to do my hair (ie. an extra 40 minutes prep from my normal routine) and wore my new favourite cute pinafore dress with killer teal heels so go figure!

We met at our usual meeting spot - the HB Bar - with one mate each in tow. He brought another one of the creatives from his agency and I brought my sidekick boy from work so at least conversation would flow real easy. At the beginning of the night Chris and I sat opposite each other. Everytime I looked away from him, I could feel his eyes on me. It was flattering! After he bought me a couple drinks (with $16 a drink that is real love there!) we ended up just STARING at each other. At first there was that awkward “Oh no he caught me checking him out” moment, but later we were too riddled with alcohol to care. Whilst I was sipping on my cocktail (trying to look sexy) he mouthed across the table silently “You look so hot“. I was so embarrassed I looked away. When our friends went to get drinks at the bar, Chris moved over next to me so we were huddled in a dark corner of a booth. He told me I had a certain style about me and that I was always well dressed and looking great. Awwwww… A few more drinks later we were just whispering in each others ears and he had his arm around me.

I looked at him trying to figure out why I was so attracted to him. He’s not my type at all! He’s like the complete opposite of everything I find attractive. I’m usually into blazer and t-shirt and skinny leg combo wearing dishevelled indie dorks with brown floppy hair. Chris is tall and masculine and has a great bod but would look ridiculous in skinny legs and has no floppy hair - instead he has a shaved head and get this, I don’t even know if he has good music taste!!!! Similar music taste is usually the deciding factor and I don’t even know what he likes! I did hear him say he hated R&B and that was good enough for me at the time.

When the clock struck 12 we decided it was time for goodbye. We were all standing and lil me at 5′3 and Chris at over 6′ I thought that this could potentially be an awkward goodbye if we went in for the kiss. Anyway there was this great automatic leaning in for the kiss between us so neither of us had to be the initiator. EXCEPT I aimed for his cheek but Chris changes route and goes for the kiss on the lips! I was so shocked I put my hands on his shoulders for some balance and it was so hot! TILL… my joker sidekick yells out so the whole bar could hear

“I SAW SOME TONGUE! THERE WAS TONGUE”

and ruins the moment! I was so embarrassed I tore away.

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!

But I still went home giddy with gleeeeee! tra la la la laaaaa!

The date with this guy never ended up eventuating. He didn’t reply one of my texts and after a couple of days I concluded that ‘he’s just not that into me’. REJECTION. Ouch. Of course I was sorely disappointed but now that I’ve had a couple of weeks to sulk, I know I was only really into him because of his uncanny resemblance to the Hot Rocker.

After that little incident a couple of my boy friends suggested I stay clear of BOYS and any romance and relish singledom for awhile. The thing is, I’ve been single for AGES but I just happen to meet guys on a regular basis these days. It’s not like I hate being single. I’m not looking for a relationship, but I do think a long term relationship would be preferable than these casual romantic liaisons.

Anyway I decided to take my boy friends advice because they know me too well. But within a week I was breaking my new resolution.

I had drinks with Hot Rockers friend Chris during the week. It was quite a random affair. It was just meant to be a catch up over drinks, but it felt like a date. He was paying for all my drinks and we even had an awkward goodbye. I hate to say this but it was a struggle to not think I was strangely attracted to him. I am REALLY picky and couldn’t believe I was even thinking such thoughts because he’s not typically good looking, but there’s just something about him… He wants to have drinks when I come back from Sydney but I’m not going to do ANYTHING. I’ve decided to lay low and wait for him to make the moves.

Last night I went to a party and within minutes of arriving the Married One had his arms around me and kissed me. One of my boy friends asked him if we were sleeping together and I laughed it off but the Married One freaked out like he had been found out for what a cheater he was and kept his distance the rest of the night and left the party early.

It didn’t bother me at the slightest because to be honest… I was distracted by this guy my friend introduced me to. She’d been talking for weeks about how hot he was and boy she wasn’t kidding! Conversation with him just came about so easily, and I think it’s partly because I thought there was no chance for romance because he is a good 15 years older than me!! But half way through the night, the Older One and I separated from the crowd and sat on crates outside talking and bonding over the same music taste and favourite 2006 bands.

I glammed it up for the party and was wearing these 3 inch Robert Robert heels that were killing me half an hour of arriving at the party and I remember him telling me “You’d still look gorgeous, shoes or without shoes.” I just laughed but secretly my heart was pounding. He asked me out after the party to continue our night. I was quite sure I would’ve ended up waking up in his bed in the morning had I taken up his offer, and to be honest I fancied the thought of that, but I can’t believe this was the reason I turned him down, but my FEET! Oh my goodness… my feet were on fire!! I felt like my toes were going to fall off. My feet were in SO much pain!!!!!!!! There was no way I could’ve gone off gallivanting around with him like that. So yess… I turned down some debauchery for the comfort of my feet.

My boy friends made sure I got home OK and convinced me that I did the right thing - ending the night on a high note and leaving the Older One wanting more!

Awwwww shit. I am over dating. Well - at least the initial dating period. It’s so stressful! I feel like I’ve had this nasty, intense PMS and it isn’t even that time of the month. I’ve felt so up and down the past couple of days. Sure they’ve been times of complete and utter euphoria and bliss but the stress is far more overwhelming!

I met Ben last week at a party through a friend. I spotted him as soon as I arrived because he was OH so HOT and to be honest, he was a bit of a Hot Rocker look alike. Tattoos on his arms, this awesome arty farty t-shirt, major facial hair stubble action, a trucker cap and a general bad boy look on his face. But when it came to speaking to him, despite the looks, he was this really sweet guy with top conversation skills.

We got along really well. Turns out he just came back from Sydney, he’s in the same industry as me and is into ROCK and Fender Strats and has a life outside advertising. We saw each other a couple days later at another party and he put his arms around my waist and kissed me.

But I left the party and this week he’s been sporadically on my mind. So I spoke to my friend who introduced us and he said I should get in touch with Ben. It took a bit of convincing because I’ve decided that I’m anti-initiation, but my friend gave me Bens number and I boldly asked him out!

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lucky he said “I’m really keen! This weekend sounds great!”

Now, I’ve always claimed I wouldn’t be one of those needy, read-too-much-into-things kinda girl, but boy it was stressful when it took him half a day to confirm he would come and pick me up for our date! In my head, all I’m thinking is “MAYBE HE’S CHANGED HIS MIND? Maybe he hates me? Maybe he’s found someone else in 4 hours?”

Anyway, all the stress aside, we confirmed our date for Saturday night and I was EXCITED… till he called me hours later and as soon as he said

“I was really looking forward to this weekend…”

I knew he was going to let me down

His excuse was really fair but I’m only human and felt super disappointed!

We’re reconvening next week but I’m trying to teach myself to have low expectations. REALLY really really low expectations.

Have I mentioned I am SO over dating?

I was initially going to let you in on the goss about the whole Jack and Racer ordeal, but without wanting to sound insensitive, something far more interesting happened tonight!

I finally met a certain someone tonight! (The perfect distraction from Jack and Racer).

At the awards a month or two ago I spotted this hot creative from a rival agency. I noticed him straight away because he looked more like he was about to head to a rock concert or band practice rather then pick up more than a handful of awards. Plus I am a sucker for a hot muso so I perved on him the entire night, not really having any intentions of speaking to him.

Anyway I went to this industry do tonight with the creatives, and Hot Rocker was there with another guy from his agency, Chris who I had previously met last week (at another industry do) and ended up drowning a few drinks with in a getting-to-know-you sesh. Anyway to cut a long story short, Chris introduces me to Hot Rocker, and after a shakey start (Hot Rocker was a little stand offish), half way through the night Hot Rocker and I are left on our own devices and flirt away.

Fast forward to the end of the night when Hot Rocker is leaving. Despite our one on one chat, I was pretty confident he wasn’t into me and was going to leave without acknowledging our brief bond, let alone say goodbye. But instead, (I wish I got this on camera) he did a universal goodbye (ie. “Goodnight everyone”) and leaves ME till last. I had my back turned to him trying to play the ice queen, but he rubs my back and I automatically lose my ice queen act and turn around. And we had the most AWKWARD goodbye EVER. He reached around and put his arm around my waist and went for the side hug and kiss. The first time was so awkward we did it a second time. I mean, it was so awkward and out of place (because we had only just met for the first time ever a couple hours earlier) that my boy friends jaws were on the floor wondering how I scored him so quickly.

I left at the same time as Hot Rocker and as I left him and walked to my car in the opposite direction, I turned around for one last look at him and it just so happens he was turning around and looking at me at the same time! But I was so embarassed I giggled and kept walking (and now I regret not giving a sexy wink back). I honestly don’t think I’ve ever had a guy look back! It was a romantic movie moment!

If I was one of those silly girls that analysed things too much, imagine all the possibilities I could come up with!

I haven’t felt like this since highschool!

Call me naive, but this whole Frenefit situation wasn’t as simple as I thought it would be. There’s been awkwardness, tears, jealousy, broken friendships, broken hearts and more tears to come.

But along with all the bad stuff, I’ve also experienced the most unique friendship. I don’t know how I could ever explain it or if I will ever experience it again. If there will be someone to replace him. Or if things will ever be the same.

Jack and Racer left to go back to the Eastern States FOREVER yesterday.

We knew it was coming.

It was probably the reason why we were seeing each other everyday in their last couple of months here - to make the most out of the time they were here.

Work has been keeping me super busy. Work work work. But during those spare moments I have to myself on the drive to work in the morning and on the way home, I listen to Jeff Buckleys “Oh Lover you should have come over” and tear up thinking about him. I LOVE the pain.

I am broken.

And I think I am in love.

Sometimes… I really love Jack. I know. I wasn’t meant to get myself into trouble with this whole Frenefit situation. And honest, I am doing an awesome job of separating the physical and the emotional aspect, but he’s always been a friend and now that we’ve been hanging out a lot more, we’ve been getting to know each other better and theres so much to love about him.

Last night I was a little upset and teary. It had nothing to do with Jack or Racer or any boy in AUSTRALIA but I gave Jack the silent treatment anyway. I think I just wanted attention and the silent treatment always adds for extra dramatic effect. I was giving him the cold shoulder and the silent treatment and being completely nonresponsive. And you know what he does? He comes over to me and spoons me. He put his arms around me and admittedly I initially tried to shrug him off, but he forced me to endure his hug and he refused to let go for an hour. He didn’t talk. He didn’t even try to fondle my boobs. Or take it further. He just surrounded me with his warmth.
It was soooo nice. It was just what I needed.

Other things to love is the fact he always brings a blazer when we go out, just in case I get cold. I love that he ALWAYS opens doors for me. When we go out every night, he always holds my hand (Racer does this also). And even though we’re not dating, he always pays for me, even when I put up a fight.

He is soooooo lovely.

But I promise I’m not falling for him.

Pinky swear.