That’s Stella

So here I am. Stuck in Chicago. I flew over for client business yesterday morning, only to be rushed to the hospital emergency room diagnosed with H1N1 - more commonly known as Swine Flu. Crazy!

It all started with a scratchy throat cough then 24 hours later (whilst in a meeting with clients!!) I was shivering. I put my heavy winter coat on but couldn’t get warm. But the next hour I had a fever and was dripping with sweat. I kept falling asleep and it was a struggle to concentrate. It was super embarrassing and a stressful situation with my clients there. My colleagues rushed me to the hospital which was kinda scary.

I’d never been to a hospital here in the States and knew there were all these things I had to think about, like whether my health care provider would cover my treatment and if I was in network, out of network, all this health care mumbo jumbo. The doctor acted like it was no big deal, gave me a prescription for drugs and told me to stay away from people. So I’m shacked up in a nice hotel here in Chicago till I can fly back to NY. To be honest, I can’t wait to get home.

Work had to decontaminate my work area and sent out an email to all employees which is super embarrassing. They don’t mention names, but when I woke up this morning I had 16 messages asking if I was ok. Everyone’s sweetness is so lovely, but can’t wait to kick this!!

A new girl joined our agency today. We all work in an open space sharing big desks. People are pretty precious about who shares their desk. We’re on a big table of 6 and up until the start of summer, we had a perfect little possie - we were one big happy family, till three girls quit the ad industry all together.

I suppose since our table was pretty bare, they sat the new girl with us.

It was her first day and she wore jeans and a white tank top with her belly button showing. The HR director took her around and the new girl kept calling the director “Hun”. “Thanks Hun.” “No worries Hun”. Her ball point pen rolled off her desk and on the floor and she screamed “Oh no!” and made sure everyone on our floor heard about it. She screams into the phone and has to make a noise and make her presence known. Any little twitch is heard. Any little movement and someone on the other side of the building can hear it. Here’s the bitchy girl in me, but oh god she is so annoying!!!

And to top it all off? She’s a Kiwi.

Don’t get me wrong. I have friends from New Zealand, but since Flight of the Conchords, everyone plays up this big rivalry between Australia and New Zealand and this just makes it worse. Everyone keeps asking if we’re going to wrestle and if they need to keep us apart.

I got back from a meeting in the afternoon and had two instant messages from two friends who sit a few desks away.

Phil “I don’t care what that new girl’s name is - she’s officially called Loud Mouth”.

Amy “Don’t hate me for saying this, but that Australian chick needs to pipe down or else her face is going to meet my fist”.

Hooray for friends.

*please note - I do not really condone violence. Not all the time anyway.

Well… I’m in New York! I must admit that after travelling with two buddies for a month, I was a little anxious about separating from them and heading to the big apple on my own. I don’t know why considering I’ve travelled around the world twice and lived on my own in NY solo, but I suppose you get used to always having someone around.

LA was amazing. On our first night, GirlTravelBuddy and I were harassed on Fairfax and that kinda put a damper on our trip. It actually shook me up quite a bit and all I wanted to do was call Bstein and get him to look after me. BoyTravelBuddy was back at our hostel sleeping when it happened and felt pretty bad not being there to be a man. He has been growing a beard in hopes it will fend off nasties. Haha! Anyway despite that incident, I grew to really love LA. Perhaps the fact that Bstein and I caught up (after 3 years!!) and he drove me around and took me out and it was just like old times might have helped the LA Love cause. He looked different - hotter! And at first I was worried that we would have to start all over again and things would be weird and we’d be shy, but we picked up just where we left it. When it came to leaving LA, I was sad to say goodbye to him, but it was no where near as hard as it was last time when I came back to Australia, because not only was I saying goodbye to him, but I was leaving New York.

After LA, we headed to Portland… then Long Beach… then Bellingham… then Seattle and Denver. Between Bellingham and Seattle we actually went on this random last minute trip to Vancouver, British Columbia which is awesome because I’ve always wanted to go!!! Ever since I was an X File nerd and found out they filmed there! I had high expectations and was a bit disappointed.

I was keen to get out of Denver and head to New York, but now that I’m here, well… I am having a hell of a time finding an apartment. I am bed-hopping and not in a good way where you wake up in the morning feeling a little seedy. I honestly have not had such a hard time in the past trying to find an apartment here, but it has been a nightmare. PLEASE if anyone knows anyone in New York looking for a house mate, let me know! I will tell you the whole ordeal once its over (fingers crossed it’s soon) because right now I can’t even laugh about the scary old men, un-fabulous gay men, dodgy students and ridiculous living spaces I’ve come across in the last week.

BUT - it is fantastic to be back! It is awesome to be so familiar with a place you haven’t seen in years and it’s even better to see friends again.

I just so desperately need a home right now

Argh! I know it’s not even January yet, but I am starting to freak out about apartment hunting in New York. Everytime I go to New York I lose sleep over thoughts I’m not going to find an ideal place, but in reality, I always find a place last minute. I have been so lucky the last few times (cosy place on Chambers in Tribeca, modern and clean apartment on the Upper East Side, gorgeous French door type apartment in the West Village). I’m starting to think, have I lucked out on this occasion?

I don’t get to New York till mid February, but I leave Perth in 23 days (not that I’m counting) and am worried I’ll be too busy having the time of my life in Los Angeles and all along the West Coast that I won’t have the time then to find a place before I reach NY.

I suppose it’s harder this time round - I’m going there unemployed and I have to make sure I find a place I can afford till I find a job - however long that may take.

I have such fond memories of the West Village, it’s making it hard for me to look elsewhere.

It completely slipped my mind that my bestie from London was never planning on staying in Perth. I’ve been getting so use to having him around that I forgot that there was in fact a return date to London. To be honest, it is so rare to have so many of my favourite people in ONE city that I must admit I have been spoilt. But this week Londoner gave me one big reality check. He would be leaving at the end of June.

(!!!!!!!)

When he told me, I must admit I was a little neurotic and clutched Miss. 23’s arm (who was driving at the time) and made her promise she wouldn’t leave me and skip the country or state or CITY.

You could say I was feeling quite vulnerable. Very vulnerable indeed.

Then came the news today that two of my friends were leaving Perth for Shanghai and Ireland.

But then came the real blow.

Chris was leaving Perth to take up a senior creative position overseas.

Ouch.

I was in this intense meeting with clients this morning when half way through, my colleague (who has known Chris for 15 years) joins us and whispers in my ear “I just got an email from Chris. He’s leaving Perth.” I was so stunned I nearly cried. It was just the worst possible way to hear it. There I was in this shit of a meeting and I was so shocked and I couldn’t concentrate. All I wanted to do was walk out and check my email. But when the meeting was finally over TWO hours later, there was no email in my inbox. There was no email telling me he was leaving in a month and where he was going to, ZIP.

Fine. So we never ended up together but we’ve always been friends and fuck did it hurt to not get the news from him.

I know I’ve been saying I’m over him and I KNOW how wrong he is for me and I KNOW I do deserve someone better, but I am still completely smitten by him. If he knocked on my door tomorrow and asked me to go with him, it’s sad to think that I 100% would be up for it.

MAN I am really pissed off because I am convinced I am the person most desperate to leave this city and it seems like everyone else is leaving instead of me. I especially wanted to leave before Chris. So that I was the one REALLY ending things by putting a few oceans and seas between us. I wanted him to be the one coming to my good bye party and realising how much he needed me and begging me to stay and me telling him that I was in love with someone and that someone was New York.

Since getting back from Sydney, I’ve been spending very little time at home. There’s been no such thing as ’school nights’. In fact… the one night I did spend at home was last Saturday night. Not sure why there’s been a sudden surge of social activities, but I’m not slowing down because I figure I better take advantage of this now rather than regret it in a few weeks time when things potentially quiet down.

Contributing to my increase of late nights has been the opening of Becks Verandah two weeks ago as part of the Perth International Arts Festival. Becks Verandah is by far my FAVOURITE favourite favourite venue in Perth. It’s so sad it’s open for such a limited season. From 10:30pm it’s free entry to the late night bar and it’s open till fairly early in the morning. I love the mixed sea of people and being under the night stars whilst lazing on the couches and listening to the great DJ’s that feature every night. I can’t get enough of it! I’ve been going nearly every second night. Work had a party there the other night and we had a VIP section which meant choice seats for the whole night and lots of free booze!

It had been sometime since I last saw him, but I finally had drinks after work with Hot Rockers friend Chris. I convinced myself that it had been far too long since I last saw him to remember the funny feelings I had for him when we last saw each other and thought it’d just be a catch up, yet getting ready for work that morning I took an hour to do my hair (ie. an extra 40 minutes prep from my normal routine) and wore my new favourite cute pinafore dress with killer teal heels so go figure!

We met at our usual meeting spot - the HB Bar - with one mate each in tow. He brought another one of the creatives from his agency and I brought my sidekick boy from work so at least conversation would flow real easy. At the beginning of the night Chris and I sat opposite each other. Everytime I looked away from him, I could feel his eyes on me. It was flattering! After he bought me a couple drinks (with $16 a drink that is real love there!) we ended up just STARING at each other. At first there was that awkward “Oh no he caught me checking him out” moment, but later we were too riddled with alcohol to care. Whilst I was sipping on my cocktail (trying to look sexy) he mouthed across the table silently “You look so hot“. I was so embarrassed I looked away. When our friends went to get drinks at the bar, Chris moved over next to me so we were huddled in a dark corner of a booth. He told me I had a certain style about me and that I was always well dressed and looking great. Awwwww… A few more drinks later we were just whispering in each others ears and he had his arm around me.

I looked at him trying to figure out why I was so attracted to him. He’s not my type at all! He’s like the complete opposite of everything I find attractive. I’m usually into blazer and t-shirt and skinny leg combo wearing dishevelled indie dorks with brown floppy hair. Chris is tall and masculine and has a great bod but would look ridiculous in skinny legs and has no floppy hair - instead he has a shaved head and get this, I don’t even know if he has good music taste!!!! Similar music taste is usually the deciding factor and I don’t even know what he likes! I did hear him say he hated R&B and that was good enough for me at the time.

When the clock struck 12 we decided it was time for goodbye. We were all standing and lil me at 5′3 and Chris at over 6′ I thought that this could potentially be an awkward goodbye if we went in for the kiss. Anyway there was this great automatic leaning in for the kiss between us so neither of us had to be the initiator. EXCEPT I aimed for his cheek but Chris changes route and goes for the kiss on the lips! I was so shocked I put my hands on his shoulders for some balance and it was so hot! TILL… my joker sidekick yells out so the whole bar could hear

“I SAW SOME TONGUE! THERE WAS TONGUE”

and ruins the moment! I was so embarrassed I tore away.

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!

But I still went home giddy with gleeeeee! tra la la la laaaaa!

Awwwww shit. I am over dating. Well - at least the initial dating period. It’s so stressful! I feel like I’ve had this nasty, intense PMS and it isn’t even that time of the month. I’ve felt so up and down the past couple of days. Sure they’ve been times of complete and utter euphoria and bliss but the stress is far more overwhelming!

I met Ben last week at a party through a friend. I spotted him as soon as I arrived because he was OH so HOT and to be honest, he was a bit of a Hot Rocker look alike. Tattoos on his arms, this awesome arty farty t-shirt, major facial hair stubble action, a trucker cap and a general bad boy look on his face. But when it came to speaking to him, despite the looks, he was this really sweet guy with top conversation skills.

We got along really well. Turns out he just came back from Sydney, he’s in the same industry as me and is into ROCK and Fender Strats and has a life outside advertising. We saw each other a couple days later at another party and he put his arms around my waist and kissed me.

But I left the party and this week he’s been sporadically on my mind. So I spoke to my friend who introduced us and he said I should get in touch with Ben. It took a bit of convincing because I’ve decided that I’m anti-initiation, but my friend gave me Bens number and I boldly asked him out!

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lucky he said “I’m really keen! This weekend sounds great!”

Now, I’ve always claimed I wouldn’t be one of those needy, read-too-much-into-things kinda girl, but boy it was stressful when it took him half a day to confirm he would come and pick me up for our date! In my head, all I’m thinking is “MAYBE HE’S CHANGED HIS MIND? Maybe he hates me? Maybe he’s found someone else in 4 hours?”

Anyway, all the stress aside, we confirmed our date for Saturday night and I was EXCITED… till he called me hours later and as soon as he said

“I was really looking forward to this weekend…”

I knew he was going to let me down

His excuse was really fair but I’m only human and felt super disappointed!

We’re reconvening next week but I’m trying to teach myself to have low expectations. REALLY really really low expectations.

Have I mentioned I am SO over dating?

Call me naive, but this whole Frenefit situation wasn’t as simple as I thought it would be. There’s been awkwardness, tears, jealousy, broken friendships, broken hearts and more tears to come.

But along with all the bad stuff, I’ve also experienced the most unique friendship. I don’t know how I could ever explain it or if I will ever experience it again. If there will be someone to replace him. Or if things will ever be the same.

Jack and Racer left to go back to the Eastern States FOREVER yesterday.

We knew it was coming.

It was probably the reason why we were seeing each other everyday in their last couple of months here - to make the most out of the time they were here.

Work has been keeping me super busy. Work work work. But during those spare moments I have to myself on the drive to work in the morning and on the way home, I listen to Jeff Buckleys “Oh Lover you should have come over” and tear up thinking about him. I LOVE the pain.

I am broken.

And I think I am in love.

And so in conclusion to my last post, I dislike the following things about Jack:

1. He tells really boring stories. It kills me. He has such passion when he’s initially telling themand when he’s finished I realise I’ve just wasted a good few minutes of my life.

2. Jack is really cool. (This is not what’s to hate) He was that hot super cool kid in highschool who’s great at sports and all the girls love him. That is, till he has a few drinks! He turns into that awkward embarassing kid at school who no-one really wants to talk to. The kid who tries to hard. TURN off…

3. And the quality that started this whole “What’s NOT cool” about Jack campaign is his ability to put someone down at a really inappropriate time. He’s never done it to me, but he said something really unnecessary to Racer and Racer was quite cut up about it. What Jack said to him was the equivalant of saying to Frank Sinatra that he couldn’t sing (and meaning it) right before he went on stage to sing in front of 10,000 people.

I mean honestly, I don’t know how people do it. That is, like one person enough to stay with them essentially for the rest of their lives! Despite all my posts about boys, they’re actually few and far between, and in my head the chances of finding one awesome man is a little disheartening. Am I too critical? Will I be a spinster at 40 and wish I hadn’t been so choosy and regret letting the fact that I struck off someone from my potential list because he loses his cool when he’s had one too many? Or because once in a blue moon he likes to put someone down? Or because the thought of growing old with someone and having to listen to their boring stories till I’m senile makes me cringe? Am I over reacting here? Am I still single because I’m too picky? When people get married, is it because they’ve had enough of singledom and consciously decide to just settle and put up with anothers faults? Sure I’m not perfect, but I would hate if someone decided to just “settle” with me even if they hated the fact that I snore, or that I pitch in when it comes to having a consumerist driven society or that I’m a little obsessive compulsive. I would want someone to love those points about me. Just like I’m sure someone would love Jacks boring stories or that he’s a complete goof when he’s drunk.

Here’s the lowdown - no bullshit or sugar glazing.

I am miserable at my new job. The people are “nice” but I don’t fit in. Not because I’m not nice, but everyone is so cushy with each other, I feel like I’ve invaded some secret society. Man, I am really easy to get along with. Honest. I’ve never had this problem at other agencies. I just don’t feel… comfortable.

My days start at 5am. I have a nervous breakdown on St Georges Terrace during the morning traffic jam. I start to get a little grumpy by 3pm when I realise I’ve missed out on breakfast and won’t have anytime for lunch. I finish work by 8pm. Get home and sleep by 9:30pm. I’m practically living at work. Hence why uncomfortableness leads to miserableness. Every morning I have to remind myself how fucking lucky I am and how I am worthy, but my mantra is wearing a little thin.

Only three days into my new job and it was already taking a toll on me. I ended up “sick” (read - tired and sad) and went home by midday. I was in a deep snooze when Mr. London called for a chat. I was completely out of it and admitted that I was at home sleeping. He was really apologetic and in the end I had to say,
“Listen. It’s 2:30 in the afternoon on a Wednesday and I’m in bed taking a granny nap. As long as you don’t tell my boss that I went home to sleep then I forgive you”
But what I really wanted to say was,
“Listen, I can’t think of anyone else who I’d rather be woken up by. As long as you come and join me then I’ll forgive you”.

The new job has also taken a toll on the potential with Mr. London. I had to cancel on him when work went a lot later then expected (no big fricken surprise), then he had to cancel on me the second time round for the same reason. Man, if we had children, I fear we would be completely awful and neglectful parents. Uh… I mean… not that I think about having his babies or anything…. uh yeah… who am I kidding? I don’t even know if he likes me.

I did end up seeing him later in the week when I went to his agency to have a coffee with his boss. As soon as I walked through the doors, he was standing there waiting for me. But it was kinda weird and I felt no spark or butterflies. Of course I’m not going to write him off because of that. I figure we were just in professional mode. To be honest though, I brought him a block of rocky road wrapped up in brown paper, tied up in twine and planned to put it on his desk as a surprise because I am just so god damned sweet. I feel awful saying this, but when I didn’t get that jolt of excitement that I usually get when I see him, I decided to keep the rocky road and gave it to some of my girl friends!
teehehe… you can’t say I don’t have my priorities right!

Did anyone else choke on their Cocoa Pops this morning when they read that Natalie Basingwigglethistlewaste was nominated for a Gold Logie? What exactly has she done to deserve a logie in the first place? Where do I sign up for one of these logie nominations because I reckon it’d look great on my resume.
Wow… I’m in awe at how the standards of Logies just seem to discover a whole new rock bottom low every single year.

My car was still in motion when Miss. 23 jumps out of my car before I could even contemplate what was actually happening. Seconds later, MoneyPants joins the party and is out of my car like a hot potato and dashes after Miss. 23.

I’m alone in my car driving up to a red light outside the QV1 building in the middle of the CBD and it’s nearing midnight. I’m having a conversation with myself in my head, contemplating the option of gunning the red light and doing a U-turn or actually stopping.

“Should I run my first ever red light? Isn’t that illegal? I could get in trouble. But is it actually illegal or just wrong? What happens if there’s a red light camera around and I get a fine? I wonder if I’ll actually have to pay it. I don’t really have the money. If I had the money I would’ve bought that cute polka dot purse in Urban Depot. Hrmm… surely the police would let me off this one if they catch me? I wonder if I could convince them that it was for a good deed…. Being a good Samaritan would surely be good enough reason to disobey a traffic law? Right? Right? Oh fuck it.”

I look around for cars and make sure its safe before I ignore the red light and do a U turn.

Minutes before when I had a semi full car and the girls hadn’t abandoned me, I saw a man walking on the opposite side of the road collapse and hit his head against the footpath. It was a bloody mess. The street was pretty much dead and the girls were singing (horrendously) Moon River at the top of their lungs. I yell at Miss. 23 to ring the ambulance, then I wind down my window and yell to a man running to aid the collapsed guy “We’re calling 911!” YES what an IDIOT! I don’t even watch copious amounts of American TV and I KNOW that in Australia the number is 000, but it just slipped out of my mouth! It was a rather stressful situation! That’s when the girls jumped out of my car to help the man.

When I got to the man, Miss 23 was on the phone to the ambos and a good samaritan was leaning the injured guy against him. The footpath was covered with blood but luckily it came from his hand and not his head. His fingers were badly cut up, his hand was blue and the injured mans eyes kept rolling into the back of his head when he kept losing consciousness.

Miss. 23 was wearing a scarf (yes during SUMMER) and when I suggested we bandage his hand with the scarf to put pressure on the wound, it was funny because despite the really good person that she is, MoneyPants and I joke that we saw her flinch when I suggested sacrificing warmth. Of course she did and the good sammy helped us bandage the injured mans hand. The injured man kept shouting in agony and swearing and actually got rather violent when we tried to bandage his fingers and hold up his arm so he wouldn’t lose more blood. The good sammy told him to stop being a pussy and Miss. 23 said “listen, it’s not like you’re going through labour pain!” hahahaha!! I wanted to laugh but this poor man was in complete agony. I had to have a silent chuckle to myself. (tehehe)

Miss 23 was busy on the phone to the ambos asking advice how to keep him conscious and luckily MoneyPants was the closest around when it came to bandaging his hand with our scarf. I may be good with ideas, but when it comes to blood, oh boy… I nearly yakked a few times from the sight of it.

Despite being in the city, and being only 5 minutes away from 3 hospitals, it took 25 minutes for the ambos to arrive. Seems that our case of drunken injuries weren’t unique on St Pats Day!

I couldn’t help but feel so proud of my girl friends! MoneyPants was covered in blood from bandaging his fingers and holding up his hand and she was totally unflinching about the whole situation. And there was Miss 23 on the phone with the ambos and keeping it real for everyone. I cleaned up everyone with water and Kleenex, but I still felt slightly insignificant. I would’ve thought that in that situation I might be a natural. How wrong.

We went out that night as one of Miss. 23s going away do’s. Next week she leaves to start a life in the UK. She’s one of my best friends and despite all my friends here, I see her the most (every second day) and I fear being a little lonely with her away.

I went out that night with the girls being a bit of a cranky pants. I had a long day at work, my iTrip isn’t working and the state of radio these days is shocking. The girls treat me too well and put up with my crankiness and generally mock me when I’m in that state or egg it on when it puts out a few laughs. What happened early on in the night made me even more cranky. We went to Northbridge planning to eat at Maya Masala, but of course there was no parking. The hunt for a parking spot got rather heated when there was a chase for spots and being in the cranky state I was in, I couldn’t resist but yell out a bit of abuse to a 4WD who hustled for my spot and got it. DAMNIT I hate 4Wders! So we left for Leederville and were faced with the same parking issues. We ended up stalking a few people and Miss. 23 wound down her window and asked a man if he was leaving, but then another man in his car interrupted Miss. 23 and asked the man the same question and the man told the other driver where he was parked. Son of a bitch! I honked my horn and threw my hands in the air to motion “What was with that!?” He yelled sorry and I screamed “WE’RE BETTER LOOKING!”.

This evening in Adams bathroom I did that thing that we woman apparently do. Truthfully, it was my first time doing it, but in movies and such they tend to make out that this is purely a WOMAN thing to do, and that is to check out medicine cabinets in a man’s bathroom.

Seriously, I’ve never had any particular desire to do this because I could imagine a medicine cabinet could be filled with little horrors you’d just prefer turning a blind eye to. But just like society’s pressures and exclusivity of joining mile high clubs and backpacking through Europe and other little social cliches, I felt like raiding the medicine cabinet was one thing I could tick off my list of things to do.

So I did. It was bare. I was a little disappointed. There wasn’t even any paracetamol or cotton buds.

There was however a bottle of Hugo by Hugo Boss cologne. This is my favourite men’s cologne. THIS and Aqua Di Gio seriously makes me want to devour a guy. Okay… that sounds a little nasty, but you get my message. So one of my weird things I like to do is associate certain smells with certain people, just like I associate certain songs with certain cities because it brings back memories. When I think of New York I think of Coming In From The Cold by the Delgados. When I think of London I think of Uncle Pat by Ash. When I think of the smell of coffee, I think of Subiaco Markets, etc…

So I put the bottle of Hugo up to my nose and take a whiff. Ahhhh heaven! I open up the bottle to get more of a whiff and FARK! The bottle drops on the ground and the cologne is slowly gurgling out the bottle as if in slow motion. FARK X 1000

I quickly pick up the bottle and violently yank metres of toilet paper to clean up my evidence. I flush it down the loo and return the bottle to it’s original position in the medicine cabinet praying that Adam doesn’t suspect a thing. I spray a bit of my own perfume (Sui Love by Anna Sui) that I keep in my bag in his bathroom to drown out the Hugo.

I join him on the couch in the lounge and during conversation Miss. 23 who is totally oblivious to what happened in the bathroom questions who in the group smells so lovely. I could’ve thumped her if she was sitting next to me! She could obviously smell the wreaking sensation of overpowering cologne and I pipe up and say it must be Adam.
“Yeah maybe.” He says.
“What are you wearing? Hugo right?” I question him.
“Nah Aqua Di Gio. My housemate uses Hugo”
FAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRK x 10000000000
Spilling housemates cologne kinda puts a stinker on our relationship.